(c) July 2013
Whether you are brand spanking new to BDSM or have been around the block a few times we are all vulnerable to the occasional sociopathic predator that wanders into our midst. These predators come in many different shapes and sizes and wear differing degrees of leather or kink. No matter where they rear their ugly heads they are a major buzz kill to getting your kink on. They can take the form of a gaggle of gossipy subby subs or Master/Mistress Domminus trained by the finest Gorean masters this side of Wichita, or just your average looking kinkster wanting to have a quick beating with a tup and a tickle. Regardless of how they manifest themselves there are a few things you can do to avoid being a victim of drama or abuse. Here are my 12 steps to keeping yourself from being a victim of a predator.
- Don’t be needy, greedy or desperate. Predators prey on the weak. Don’t be the one they can cut from the herd.
- Know who you are whether it is nothing more than discovering or involving. Knowing yourself can make a strong argument.
- Know how to say ‘NO’. This is easier if you follow #1.
- Like who you are and be comfortable with yourself. Predators love to use your self worth against you. A strong self-esteem is one of your greatest assets.
- Educate yourself on BDSM, study the gurus amongst us, the big names, like Midori, Lee Harrington, Graydancer, Mollena, Master Tatu, Princess Kali, luna, Jack Rinella~ they have books, websites and blogs. You can even follow them on Twitter for the latest tidbits of wisdom flowing from their lips.
- Live your life with honor and integrity. It’s easier that way.
- When you are happy with yourself, like who you are you will attract those folks who will want to play and be with you. You may also attract and annoy the jealous cats and assholes, but hey, who gives a shit about them anyway??
- Remember, what other people think of you is none of your business. If you follow 2, 4, 6 and 7 this will be fairly easy.
- Make negotiations and contracts very clear. Negotiate inclusively not exclusively. See Tutivillus article: “The Seductive Art of Negotiation”: http://www.kinkabuse.com/healthy-bdsm/the-seductive…
- Seek out those folks who can match your energy and integrity. That won’t necessarily be community leaders or those in the spotlight. Find a good fit for YOU. That will be different than the sub or Dom across the play space. Everyone is different. The wonderful thing about leather is that it will reshape itself to fit you if you wear it long enough.
- I am responsible. Yes, that means slaves and submissives as well as Dominants. You are responsible for your happiness, your life, your mistakes, victories and most of all your sexuality. Own it, love it and live it. Life is too damn short to live with regrets.
- Have fun. To quote the Governor, “If you aren’t having fun you are doing it wrong’.