By Gamer UK
We all know about negotiation, right? That aspect of pre-play where we talk to our (prospective) play partners about what we want, or need, what we’re ok with doing and what is off limits, and they do the same so we can find a mutually agreeable middle-ground.
But after that, when we’re playing, or have evolved into a relationship of some sort (and this includes any power exchange dynamic really, with the probable exception of Owner/Property..), we need to remember and stick with what we agreed were the Limits. Those details we’ve agreed to tend to set the way things unfold, and are more than just the result of our negotiation. The terms are a contract between two or more people. They are an visible display of our integrity (or lack of it).
We can all occasionally be guilty of not keeping our word, and most times the result is a little discontentment but no real harm done. However, when the context is that of a power exchange dynamic and you fail to maintain your word, or keep pushing at someones boundaries and hard limits in order to get something you want (after it’s been explicitly negotiated that ‘whatever’ isn’t going to happen) then you are most likely a monstrous Douche! It really, really isn’t acceptable to push, cajole, intimidate, bully, belittle or coerce play partners into doing something they don’t want to do.
And let’s talk about the old Lie about ‘stretching your limits’. When someone tells you that, and you didn’t agree to it.. grab your shit and run! Expanding each others horizons & capabilities is part of our kink growth and people do it all the time… in a supportive way; mostly within a relationship; with aftercare and after talking it over; and after having it agreed to.
It’s hard enough finding people you trust with your safety and sanity, without then feeling like you’re constantly having to stand your ground to maintain the terms they previously agreed to. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known each other either. Other than a mid-scene re-negotiation (this is ‘bad form’ because if endorphin’s have kicked in from subspace/top space, etc you aren’t always capable of coherent, rational thought) it’s ok to ask at a later negotiation session for something you previously wanted in an earlier play session but which your partner refused for whatever reason. Note: it may still not happen!
People and circumstances change and as you build trust and establish your credibility regarding your skills & ability. Something we wouldn’t allow/attempt 6 months ago may be OK to try after getting to know your play-partner(s) more. Sex is the example that most often comes to mind. If a partner tells you ‘No penetration’ , or ‘I don’t feel that kind of connection’ and you’re always trying to fuck them every time you play, they’re going to leave your sorry ass in the dirt at some point, no matter how awesome your kink skills are. Also remember that constantly asking for something which repeatedly remains a solid ‘No, not interested’ is another epic way to sour what you do have.
Arguably the best path is to make it clear you want to discuss the relationship, sit down and do just that. However, just trying to manipulate a situation or person, to bully, belittle or press them without giving them the opportunity to negotiate for something they want in return, and without honoring the terms set makes you (at least) borderline abusive.
Food for thought? I hope so.