Category Archives: Submission

Submission in the alternative lifestyle, BDSM

09Mar/15

Negotiations Are Over But….

Negotiate

Negotiate

By Gamer UK

We all know about negotiation, right? That aspect of pre-play where we talk to our (prospective) play partners about what we want, or need, what we’re ok with doing and what is off limits, and they do the same so we can find a mutually agreeable middle-ground.

But after that, when we’re playing, or have evolved into a relationship of some sort (and this includes any power exchange dynamic really, with the probable exception of Owner/Property..), we need to remember and stick with what we agreed were the Limits. Those details we’ve agreed to tend to set the way things unfold, and are more than just the result of our negotiation. The terms are a contract between two or more people. They are an visible display of our integrity (or lack of it).

We can all occasionally be guilty of not keeping our word, and most times the result is a little discontentment but no real harm done. However, when the context is that of a power exchange dynamic and you fail to maintain your word, or keep pushing at someones boundaries and hard limits in order to get something you want (after it’s been explicitly negotiated that ‘whatever’ isn’t going to happen) then you are most likely a monstrous Douche! It really, really isn’t acceptable to push, cajole, intimidate, bully, belittle or coerce play partners into doing something they don’t want to do.

And let’s talk about the old Lie about ‘stretching your limits’. When someone tells you that, and you didn’t agree to it.. grab your shit and run! Expanding each others horizons & capabilities is part of our kink growth and people do it all the time… in a supportive way; mostly within a relationship; with aftercare and after talking it over; and after having it agreed to.

It’s hard enough finding people you trust with your safety and sanity, without then feeling like you’re constantly having to stand your ground to maintain the terms they previously agreed to. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known each other either. Other than a mid-scene re-negotiation (this is ‘bad form’ because if endorphin’s have kicked in from subspace/top space, etc you aren’t always capable of coherent, rational thought) it’s ok to ask at a later negotiation session for something you previously wanted in an earlier play session but which your partner refused for whatever reason. Note: it may still not happen!

People and circumstances change and as you build trust and establish your credibility regarding your skills & ability. Something we wouldn’t allow/attempt 6 months ago may be OK to try after getting to know your play-partner(s) more. Sex is the example that most often comes to mind. If a partner tells you ‘No penetration’ , or ‘I don’t feel that kind of connection’ and you’re always trying to fuck them every time you play, they’re going to leave your sorry ass in the dirt at some point, no matter how awesome your kink skills are. Also remember that constantly asking for something which repeatedly remains a solid ‘No, not interested’ is another epic way to sour what you do have.

Arguably the best path is to make it clear you want to discuss the relationship, sit down and do just that. However, just trying to manipulate a situation or person, to bully, belittle or press them without giving them the opportunity to negotiate for something they want in return, and without honoring the terms set makes you (at least) borderline abusive.

Food for thought? I hope so.

16Aug/13

Thoughts on BDSM Lifestyle and 24/7

I Yam What I Yam!

I Yam What I Yam!

by SweetGeekGoddess

(c) April 2011

“I Yam what I Yam” ~ Popeye

Gamer and I had an interesting discussion the other day about the several interpretations of a 24/7 BDSM relationship. The discussion began as it often does from various posts on Fetlife. We had both been reading posts that were discussing the difficulties of living the “lifestyle” 24/7. Neither of us subscribe or feel comfortable with a great deal of protocols in our lives and our relationship. As a submissive I am permitted a great many liberties that from what I understand from the writings and discussion with more formal households would be either punished outright or not allowed. I also have been asked many times how I reconcile my stubborn spunky nature with my desire to be submissive. I have been accused many times from more formal Dominants of being a ‘Toppy Little Bitch’ and I am sure Gamer has been asked on more than one or two occasions why he tolerates such behavior from me.

Some of the questions we get asked are: Do Gamer and I live the lifesyle 24/7? How do we manage our ‘vanilla’ life with that of our BDSM lifestyle? How do we integrate the two? For myself, I think the key here is an understanding and acceptance of self. Let me elaborate.

I have no doubt that I am a service submissive. I am naturally inclined to give of my talents and skills to those who have earned my admiration and respect. When I love you, whether as partner and/or friend I adopt you in my mind and heart as belonging to me. Thus, you become my responsibility to take care of and serve. I do this without thinking, at a visceral emotional level as naturally as breathing. For me, this is not a role I adopt a few times a week for shits and giggles. This is literally who and what I am. I accept this as part of my nature and how I identify as a person. If you were to meet me , you would discover a plump menopause queen, sharp tongued, quick witted, quick to laugh and very direct. I don’t call a spade a spade, I call a spade a fucking shovel. If you can’t handle the heat get the hell out of the kitchen.

Gamer is a sadist pure and simple. I can vouch for the fact that watching me squirm in pain coupled with orgasm makes his dick hard. He is pretty damn creative with what he comes up with in the ways to alternatively and sometimes simultaneously torture and pleasure me. He is dominant without a question, very protective and when he chooses to lay down the law, there is no doubt in my mind who is in charge. He worked law enforcement for many years and I can tell by the set of his jaw and the look in his eye where the limits are. He has a dark and devious mind. He is as subtle as I am direct. If you were to meet him in person you would find a handsome, affable, jolly Englishman with an easy laugh, a somewhat lazy demeanor, very personable and infinitely likable. Gamer’s sadism is as much a part of who he is as his easy laugh and love of a good beer.

We don’t have many formal protocols within our dynamic, we don’t have a list of rituals that we go through to find our head space. We don’t live the ‘lifestyle’ and we don’t distinguish between ‘vanilla’ and our BDSM. What we do, is live our lives with who we are with truth and acceptance. We do that 24/7, 365 days a year no matter how we label it or attempt to define it. Gamer is a mean fucker and a sadist and I am a submissive woman period. That is not contradicted when I demand good service at the grocery store or shift into overdrive to run an efficient household while working full-time in a demanding career. Gamer is no less a sadist and a Dominant when he chooses to delegate the day-to-day running of things to me. Not being big on micromanagement, Gamer gives me a great deal of leeway to do as I see fit, trusting that I will put his needs first and foremost.

Gamer is my Dominant, he is my Master, he is my Governor and the love of my life. I don’t need Gorean-like rituals and protocols to make that true or to serve him better. By being himself he inspires my love, my devotion and my service. One look from him can silence me instantly. One touch can have me kneel at his feet literally and/or figuratively. It matters little if we are dealing with our day-to-day lives amongst the ‘vanilla’ or in the bedroom. We are who we are.

We are Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, Daddy/girl. When we accept that about ourselves we no longer need the protocols, categories or labels such as ‘24/7’ or ‘BDSM lifestyle’ to make that true. We simply are who we are.

31Jul/13

The Morgana Scrolls: Journeys Of Enslavement And Freedom

Morgana Scrolls by Hannah Carrigan

Morgana Scrolls by Hannah Carrigan

Book Review by SweetGeekGoddess

(c) July 2013

“The Morgana Scrolls: Journeys Of Enslavement And Freedom” by Hannah Corrigan  is a darkly beautiful story of abuse and redemption.  The prose is both lyrical and magical transporting the reader into the tormented soul of a young woman whose journey out of the abyss of child abuse is both heart wrenching  and beautiful.

The sixteen-year-old  dancer rhia is enslaved by the Dragon-clan, a cult like BDSM group whose protocols are based on Gorean methodology.  Detached from her core identity  from years of abuse, rhia is targeted for rescue by another BDSM clan. Her struggles to recapture her core self are so well written, they read like tragic poetry both beautiful and sad.  Corrigan’s treatise on consent via her character Master James outlines some of the best principles for consent based BDSM I have ever read.  Corrigan  delivers her sermon powerfully, vividly and memorably.

This novella should come with some trigger warnings as it may generate emotional triggers in those who have suffered abuse.  Also, if you are used to a steady Hershey cheap chocolate diet of erotic pulp fan fiction you won’t find much in the way of masturbation fodder here.  Instead what you will find is very well written dark smooth expensive Belgian chocolate prose that melts on your heart the way you only find in good literature.

If you are fan of ’50 Shades of Grey’ you will be sorely disappointed in the novel.  If you are a well read BDSM practitioner who enjoys fine literature in addition to  a well placed flogger you will not be disappointed.  I myself, am looking  forward with much anticipation to the next installment.

29Jul/13

Serving Him ~ Sexy Stories of Submission

serving-him

serving him sexy stories of submission

by SweetGeekGoddess

(c) July 2013

Are you sick and tired of having your kink portrayed via poorly written fan fiction???  At last there is finally some smart, sexy and authentic stories about submission.  As a service and sexual submissive  I found these stories to not only be erotic but thought provoking.  Most of all they are AUTHENTIC.  How absolutely refreshing to read stories of submission portrayed with honesty and truth.  This is an absolute must read for anyone who wishes to explore the world of a BDSM erotically as well as authentically.  Did I mention authentic??

So ditch your ’50 Shades of Abuse and Poorly Written Tripe’ and reach for this beautifully written, smart, fun-filled erotic journey via the delightfully written stories in serving him sexy stories of submission.

You can get your copy at Amazon.com  HERE.

 

Here is one of our favorite kink educators Mollena reading an excerpt from the book.

29Jun/13

Being a Crabby Bitch is Part of My Charm

Being a Crabby Bitch is Part of My Charm

by SweetGeekGoddess

(c)June 2013
Let’s face it, language has power. How we express our thoughts and feelings leaves an indelible mark on those we interact with. Our words can heal, wound arouse or abuse. Midori the wonderful sex educator and bondage artist teaches a wonderful class on ‘Aural Sex’. Midori demonstrates how to use words as tools to arouse and entice our lovers. Some words like bitch, whore, cunt and slut can be used to evoke lust or rage depending on who is using them and how they are meant.

I know when the Governor softly whispers ‘slut’ in my ear that I melt for him. I know what he means by ‘slut’ and I am delighted with the moniker. Other words like ‘bitch’ used to be a very real trigger for me. I would take real exception to being called a bitch, even by him.

I am pretty outspoken, and have even been accused of calling a spade a fucking shovel. Needless to say being an outspoken female submissive in a BDSM community of old guard traditionalists, goreans and ex-Mormons can be a walk on egos/eggshells. I have lost count of the number of times I have been called “intimidating” or “bitch”. I remember clearly the time a community leader called me a ‘toppy little bitch’ within the Governor’s hearing. He immediately turned around while bringing me in close for a kiss and said, “Yes, but she is MY toppy little bitch.”

At that moment, I really understood and trusted that the Governor loves and appreciates me and my outspokenness. He isn’t intimidated by it in the slightest. He not only enjoys my honesty, but has come to count on it. It is part of our dynamic and our power exchange. As we both love language and innuendo it is become an aspect of our aural foreplay. I am the Kate to his Petruchio and it works.

Thanks to the Governor, I no longer associate being called a bitch, a cunt, a whore as a bad thing… or any other names that spew from the mouths of those bullies and twats who squirm at a bit of truth. I know my Governor loves me just as I am. He has endowed bitch, whore, cunt and slut with empowerment and strength. I embrace them and adore them as mine. Because no matter what you call me, I am and always will be “HIS“.

10Jun/13

Principle and Expectations of a submissive Entering into a D/s Relationship

PowerExchange

PowerExchange ~photographer unknown

by Master James (Master James Fetlife profile can be found HERE)

All rights reserved used with permission of the author

Author’s Note: This  is not a universal guide or a path to the proverbial “one true way”. This is written from my perspective as a Master in my own D/s & M/s relationships, and my perspective as the Master of the House of Cadifor. It is directed at submissives who would look to engage with me or my House in a Power Exchange dynamic.

Before you contemplate moving from the playground kinkster world of Topping & Bottoming and pursuing a D/s relationship of enduring Power Exchange, please contemplate the following:

Acceptance
You are entering into a D/s relationship. This by definition isn’t fair or equitable. It is hard, challenging, and often confronting. It is also incredibly rewarding, but it sure as shit isn’t fair.

Dedication
The journey you are entering on is a long one, and many times along the way you will want to give up. The dedication required to stay true to the cause is greater than any other endeavour you may have undertaken, and you will suffer doubt and despair. At times like these you will need to draw upon that dedication. You have made a commitment and you are cheating your true self if you don’t see it through.

Honesty
For D/s to work total 100% honestly from the submissive is a non- negotiable requirement. Your new Owner needs to get to know ever intimate part of you, the good and the bad. Withholding is not allowed for a sub. On occasions, your Owner may withhold for management purposes. Again; this isn’t fair. Get used to it.

Effort
You are going to be given tasks to complete, and protocols to implement. These will start off small and simple, but they will grow. You are expected to put in maximum effort and apply yourself to all things to your best ability. Lack of effort shows and undermines the faith your Owner will have in your ability and willingness to complete future tasks. If you have questions or doubt regarding a task or protocol, communicate this openly and honestly with your Owner.

Trust
Trust works its way into every other aspect of D/s. If you don’t have trust, then you don’t have anything. You need to trust that your Owner wants the very best for you, that your owner is doing what is necessary out of unselfish motives.

Sacrifice
You are going to have to give up many things in order to gain the benefits of deep submission in a caring and nurturing D/s relationship. As you hand over power to your Owner, all the things that were once rights, become privileges: sexual gratification, sexual relationships, privacy, pleasure pain, play, pride, shame, and much of what previously was considered your sense of self.

Patience
As stated above; this is a long road to travel. It is a marathon, not a sprint. There will be bumps along the way, and mistakes will be made; both by yourself and your Owner. As you slide further into D/s you will often feel needy. You will want things from your Owner and you will want them “now”. You will need to develop the patience required to focus on the long term, rather than the immediate.

In conclusion:
D/s isn’t easy, but it is rewarding. Know what you’re getting into, if you want to get the most out of it. But just like everything else in life; you get out, what you put in.

25Oct/12

A Note on Perspective

Copyrighted material Used with Permission of the author all rights reserved

By Chris Carroll aka Book

So I started this thread because this finding a master is kind of like a job interview for me… a life job… this is going to affect everything for me from this day forward and I want to make the right choice but it is hard when they ask all of the questions. How do you judge the quality of a Master if he does not let you speak?”

Simple. He’s a bad one. You have a fucking brain too. If he doesn’t know it he shouldn’t be anywhere near your fucking body.

“I have decided that I am making this my job hunt because this is much, much more important to me.”

Perspective. Please.

It’s sex.

That’s it.

Kinky, perverted, don’t tell your children sex. Especially if it is with someone who doesn’t let you talk. Especially if it is with someone who after two conversations ONLINE has started asking you for access to your financial and criminal records. For some of us, lucky enough to find a decent and I mean this word with all of its weight so I’m writing it with capitals PARTNER, it becomes more. It becomes about fulfilling needs and voids and protecting one another at your most vulnerable and making each other strong. It is about fulfilling a need to serve and it is about being served. It is about needing someone’s arm to guide you and the strength that comes from that and it is about being able to care for someone and provide for them EVERYTHING that they need to be a good and strong person. I give to my subs I don’t fucking take. If you are even remotely considering “Your job” Giving blindly to some fucking asshat then for the love of fuck hurry up and get killed by that there psychopath so I can read someting good in my morning paper.

Look. You need communication. You need to realize that the only people who want simply to control you for the sake of control are people who are going to hurt you simply for the sake of hurt. That is not, and has not ever been, what this shit is all about. Get your lovely little head out of your tight little ass and let me smack some perspective into you because, like I said earlier, I am all about the giving.

If you find someone you can open up to about this stuff… awesome. If you find some like minded playmates… great. If you find someone who you connect with and the more you are with them the more you want to serve them and be their submissive… that is fucking awesome. I even know some couples who make the Master and Slave thing work because they’ve got communication skills that fucking dwarf mine.

But reality check…

IT’S NOT GOING TO FEED YOUR FAMILY

IT’S NOT GOING TO PROVIDE FOR YOUR FUTURE, POWER AN ECONOMY OR KEEP YOU OFF THE FUCKING STREETS.

Perspective.

If I ever lose it, shoot me in the fucking head

(and don’t ever let me read the submissive women’s threads anymore)