Category Archives: Dominance

Dominance within an alternative lifestyle/BDSM

09Mar/15

Negotiations Are Over But….

Negotiate

Negotiate

By Gamer UK

We all know about negotiation, right? That aspect of pre-play where we talk to our (prospective) play partners about what we want, or need, what we’re ok with doing and what is off limits, and they do the same so we can find a mutually agreeable middle-ground.

But after that, when we’re playing, or have evolved into a relationship of some sort (and this includes any power exchange dynamic really, with the probable exception of Owner/Property..), we need to remember and stick with what we agreed were the Limits. Those details we’ve agreed to tend to set the way things unfold, and are more than just the result of our negotiation. The terms are a contract between two or more people. They are an visible display of our integrity (or lack of it).

We can all occasionally be guilty of not keeping our word, and most times the result is a little discontentment but no real harm done. However, when the context is that of a power exchange dynamic and you fail to maintain your word, or keep pushing at someones boundaries and hard limits in order to get something you want (after it’s been explicitly negotiated that ‘whatever’ isn’t going to happen) then you are most likely a monstrous Douche! It really, really isn’t acceptable to push, cajole, intimidate, bully, belittle or coerce play partners into doing something they don’t want to do.

And let’s talk about the old Lie about ‘stretching your limits’. When someone tells you that, and you didn’t agree to it.. grab your shit and run! Expanding each others horizons & capabilities is part of our kink growth and people do it all the time… in a supportive way; mostly within a relationship; with aftercare and after talking it over; and after having it agreed to.

It’s hard enough finding people you trust with your safety and sanity, without then feeling like you’re constantly having to stand your ground to maintain the terms they previously agreed to. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known each other either. Other than a mid-scene re-negotiation (this is ‘bad form’ because if endorphin’s have kicked in from subspace/top space, etc you aren’t always capable of coherent, rational thought) it’s ok to ask at a later negotiation session for something you previously wanted in an earlier play session but which your partner refused for whatever reason. Note: it may still not happen!

People and circumstances change and as you build trust and establish your credibility regarding your skills & ability. Something we wouldn’t allow/attempt 6 months ago may be OK to try after getting to know your play-partner(s) more. Sex is the example that most often comes to mind. If a partner tells you ‘No penetration’ , or ‘I don’t feel that kind of connection’ and you’re always trying to fuck them every time you play, they’re going to leave your sorry ass in the dirt at some point, no matter how awesome your kink skills are. Also remember that constantly asking for something which repeatedly remains a solid ‘No, not interested’ is another epic way to sour what you do have.

Arguably the best path is to make it clear you want to discuss the relationship, sit down and do just that. However, just trying to manipulate a situation or person, to bully, belittle or press them without giving them the opportunity to negotiate for something they want in return, and without honoring the terms set makes you (at least) borderline abusive.

Food for thought? I hope so.

16Aug/13

Thoughts on BDSM Lifestyle and 24/7

I Yam What I Yam!

I Yam What I Yam!

by SweetGeekGoddess

(c) April 2011

“I Yam what I Yam” ~ Popeye

Gamer and I had an interesting discussion the other day about the several interpretations of a 24/7 BDSM relationship. The discussion began as it often does from various posts on Fetlife. We had both been reading posts that were discussing the difficulties of living the “lifestyle” 24/7. Neither of us subscribe or feel comfortable with a great deal of protocols in our lives and our relationship. As a submissive I am permitted a great many liberties that from what I understand from the writings and discussion with more formal households would be either punished outright or not allowed. I also have been asked many times how I reconcile my stubborn spunky nature with my desire to be submissive. I have been accused many times from more formal Dominants of being a ‘Toppy Little Bitch’ and I am sure Gamer has been asked on more than one or two occasions why he tolerates such behavior from me.

Some of the questions we get asked are: Do Gamer and I live the lifesyle 24/7? How do we manage our ‘vanilla’ life with that of our BDSM lifestyle? How do we integrate the two? For myself, I think the key here is an understanding and acceptance of self. Let me elaborate.

I have no doubt that I am a service submissive. I am naturally inclined to give of my talents and skills to those who have earned my admiration and respect. When I love you, whether as partner and/or friend I adopt you in my mind and heart as belonging to me. Thus, you become my responsibility to take care of and serve. I do this without thinking, at a visceral emotional level as naturally as breathing. For me, this is not a role I adopt a few times a week for shits and giggles. This is literally who and what I am. I accept this as part of my nature and how I identify as a person. If you were to meet me , you would discover a plump menopause queen, sharp tongued, quick witted, quick to laugh and very direct. I don’t call a spade a spade, I call a spade a fucking shovel. If you can’t handle the heat get the hell out of the kitchen.

Gamer is a sadist pure and simple. I can vouch for the fact that watching me squirm in pain coupled with orgasm makes his dick hard. He is pretty damn creative with what he comes up with in the ways to alternatively and sometimes simultaneously torture and pleasure me. He is dominant without a question, very protective and when he chooses to lay down the law, there is no doubt in my mind who is in charge. He worked law enforcement for many years and I can tell by the set of his jaw and the look in his eye where the limits are. He has a dark and devious mind. He is as subtle as I am direct. If you were to meet him in person you would find a handsome, affable, jolly Englishman with an easy laugh, a somewhat lazy demeanor, very personable and infinitely likable. Gamer’s sadism is as much a part of who he is as his easy laugh and love of a good beer.

We don’t have many formal protocols within our dynamic, we don’t have a list of rituals that we go through to find our head space. We don’t live the ‘lifestyle’ and we don’t distinguish between ‘vanilla’ and our BDSM. What we do, is live our lives with who we are with truth and acceptance. We do that 24/7, 365 days a year no matter how we label it or attempt to define it. Gamer is a mean fucker and a sadist and I am a submissive woman period. That is not contradicted when I demand good service at the grocery store or shift into overdrive to run an efficient household while working full-time in a demanding career. Gamer is no less a sadist and a Dominant when he chooses to delegate the day-to-day running of things to me. Not being big on micromanagement, Gamer gives me a great deal of leeway to do as I see fit, trusting that I will put his needs first and foremost.

Gamer is my Dominant, he is my Master, he is my Governor and the love of my life. I don’t need Gorean-like rituals and protocols to make that true or to serve him better. By being himself he inspires my love, my devotion and my service. One look from him can silence me instantly. One touch can have me kneel at his feet literally and/or figuratively. It matters little if we are dealing with our day-to-day lives amongst the ‘vanilla’ or in the bedroom. We are who we are.

We are Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, Daddy/girl. When we accept that about ourselves we no longer need the protocols, categories or labels such as ‘24/7’ or ‘BDSM lifestyle’ to make that true. We simply are who we are.

24Jul/13

Struggles of the Dominant Identity: Good Doms Don’t Cry

Photo by Unknown

Photo by Unknown

 

 

by Jacean Mikhael

(c) July 2013 All Rights Reserved This article is the sole property of the author and CAN NOT be reprinted in any format without express written permission of the author.

A quote that always struck me from Great Gatsby has been floating in my head for quite a while now – “The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.” I understand that quote quite a bit more personally these days.

When I started writing this article, I began with something else entirely. It was to be an introspective look at the struggles of total power exchange relationships. I found myself getting to a deeply emotional and unhappy place, having just a short time prior had multiple relationships of many years end in quick succession. Along with this came the added loss of the child I had raised as my daughter for a number of those years in the process. It was a difficult place to be in, to be forced to deal with the loss of loved ones and the world you had created torn asunder. It left me with countless attempts to go through all my mental math, self-examining over and over again like a madman at the chalkboard, trying to determine what was the variable that had caused these cataclysmic events to occur. I always came back to the answer I knew I would before I even began. I consider it my Oppenheimer moment. At the end, the primary variable that was consistent was “me”.

Fun times. I had to really sit down with myself and determine all the things I didn’t like about how I had been living my life, and how to go about changing them and that classic Whedonism rang true in my head...“Remember to Always Be Yourself. Unless You Suck.” Of course, as with any relationship, there is usually enough blame to share, enough fingers to point in every direction. Sadly the awareness of the faults, flaws and failings of another will do nothing to change our own lives. Instead we must focus the attention towards finding and fixing our problems. What is it they say? Trying your hardest to blow out another man’s candle won’t make your own burn any brighter. The ending of relationships are good for that type of inward reflection though. It’s in those moments you spontaneously gain this magnificent, deep understanding of the entire world around you that somehow had been completely unseen just moments prior. The most major realization of all, is having to really take stock of how much I had been emotionally unwell, and even now, months later, I am not emotionally where I would prefer. Mental health is a constant balance and one which must always be accounted for. I never really put much stock into my own emotions, even my own physical health usually was pushed off to the sidelines in an effort to care for those around me to the point where my blood work came back looking like I had been living in a third world country. Eventually, I had worn myself so thin there was nothing left. I had tapped every reserve, I had drained every reservoir, I had emptied the last can from my pantry… and then in the end, I was empty.

So how did I get here? Well, to start, I am the child of a military father. Things like emotions weren’t ever placed in high regard in a household which thought any emotion other than anger was cause for immediate deflection or retaliation. Emotions were “manipulative”, and should be punished accordingly. Where my upbringing might have left me a bit short-changed, sadly nothing else in my every day environment had really stepped up to the plate either while in my formative or even adult years. In the world we live, especially for self-identified dominant males in this society, we are often rife with the side effects of societal toxic masculinity* . This is the incessant nature of society – to tell men their value is based on their power, their achievements or accomplishments, their “wealth” or “strength”. This is how we are judged every day. Weakness, frailty, even basic human emotions are often held with such disregard and disdain we are conditioned to never allow ourselves to express our feelings, or if we do fall short, immediately feel guilty for doing so.

Now, as the cherry on top, let’s add the complications of a subculture based around your ability to personify that strength. This idealization of masculinity is the most common basis through which power is exchanged and roles are defined. So, the same power which society judges us on is also among the same things a potential submissive partner desires. What makes them look up with respect? Being that strong, powerful person who has their life together, who is able to show through their own actions and life choices that they exemplify a strong alpha personality, brimming with self-control and self-awareness. As the narcissist that I am, I always strive to be the best I am at whatever I do – being the most Alpha of Alpha males, like I had walked right out of a 1950’s advertisement for shaving cream as Don Draper holding a copy of Justine. Eventually I had just scripted my life so perfectly I rarely ever exited my “role”. I was living the dream. But, no matter how long you sleep, eventually we will always wake up.

This constant pissing match in the “community”, as it were, only instigates it further with our regular shows of bravado and machismo. Being anything less than the idealized version of a Dom or Top was to leave you lackluster and unappealing to a potential mate. So, aspiring dominant personality types fall back to the concept “you shall be master of none until you have mastered yourself” and to be frank here, it is still something I believe in conceptually. What place have I to dictate the will or future of another if my own life is at discord by my own hands? What does it show of my ability to lead an underling to a more prosperous future if I cannot even lead myself there? The question becomes then, what is the basis with which we are to compare ourselves in self-mastery? Must my body look like a body builder or a gymnast? Must my stock portfolio be perfectly well rounded and my savings ample? Must I have reached the pinnacle of my career in my chosen field? In this economy, what if I don’t even have a job? What if I could still stand to lose a few pounds, or how about a hundred even? I believe that you should have your life in order. That I will stand by but the specifics of the rest are a lot harder for anyone other than one’s self to really determine. If you wouldn’t feel comfortable taking on the responsibility of a pet given your current life situation, you certainly might want to think about holding off on starting that new service contract. Just saying…

One thing to understand moving forward, is regardless of your chosen role, you need self-control. Self-control does not mean everything in our life is without struggle or complication, but rather we have set the bar to our own standards and we must hold ourselves accountable to them. Beyond that, the rest is simple reality – it is only by both parties understanding a power exchange relationship is just like any other relationship. You are two, or more, broken people attempting to enter into an arrangement with someone who is inherently flawed, regardless of which role, gender, position or title you might hold. People sometimes forget in the moment, power exchange is about control and control goes both ways. A submissive partner can only give over control if they have it over themselves, but likewise a dominant partner in this situation only has the ability to utilize the amount of control given.

For the most part, people are going to try to do their best. The issue here is what happens when the path is wrong? When all the math you have done in your head is based on faulty logic and results in an unavoidable collapse? Is it more important they adhere to your authority, or that the best case scenario is achieved? If you chose the former to the latter than you have some serious questions to start asking yourself. So, yeah, you get it, we all make mistakes, but what about when neither party intentionally makes a mistake and something just happens? What about the devastating or at the very least life-altering aftermath of an event that fundamentally transforms or hinders the capabilities or expectations of the people involved, such as; pregnancy, terminal or chronic illness, onset of disability, an accident, a bout with mental illness, the tragedy of the loss of mutual partner, or one partner’s loved one or any number of other spontaneous acts of chaos fate likes to throw.

We all eventually hit those brick walls while we are attempting to move ever steadily forward, sometimes rather spontaneously, and often with no awareness whatsoever we are stopped or irrevocably hindered. In those moments we have no option but to pause, reevaluate, and proceed on a new path accordingly. It is a true trial, for those in a power exchange dynamic to deal with these situations. So often our submissives, and especially new submissives, will look to their dominant partner in these moments in the manner in which they’ve been conditioned. As the source of solace and solutions throughout the relationship, the submissive partner often will place their dominant upon a pedestal. They raise them to an almost godlike position of power in which nearly anything they do is infallible. The shattering break happens when they realize their partner is in fact human, their partner has faults, and their partner may fail. It is at that time these relationships really begin to genuinely struggle. The submissive entered into this dynamic, seeking guidance, and now they are losing their faith. When their faith starts to disappear, the lengths to which ones submissive partner might go tends to shrink concurrently.

For me, it was always the most heartbreaking moment as a dominant to have to look into the eyes of my submissive while they stare back at me, completely aware both of us are powerless to change the current situation. During which, the submissive endures the sadness of not being able to make you better, along with the fear and disorientation that if their dominant can’t fix it, who can? As the dominant partner, you have the internalized guilt and stigma of being “weak” in front of your partner, to be fully aware this was your ship to steer and you just hit an iceberg. Perhaps you can even console yourself that it was due to no direct action of your own, but regardless, you are still the captain of a now-sinking ship. You still have to cope with the release of emotion and the shell shock that all your love, hope and wishes can’t prevent the waters from rising. You just want to change things…. but you already have. What is to be determined still by the course of action that follows is whether it is going to make things better or worse. Whenever you share a depth of emotion with a partner who has love for you, there is no leaving this scenario unaltered or unaffected. It is often out of love and compassion people find each other, it is what pushes us ever forward and further… but love and compassion alone are not enough to sustain to a relationship.

This moment, as hard as it is, can also be a moment of beauty and intimacy, to be able to allow yourself to break down those walls and let your partner see your humanity. There are few things more potent to a submissive partner than the tears of their dominant partner. Now I have to be direct – it is a hard fact to accept for people like myself; being vulnerable in front of your partner is not a weakness, but a strength. Allowing them to see that aspect of your humanity can do wonders; and, truth be told, you should have been doing it all along. Now don’t take this as a recommendation to act without logic or analytical thinking and resorting to irrational outbursts. Instead attempt to be freer with your emotions and use that willingness to proactively have those hard talks where you sit down and express your feelings and allow it to benefit both of you. I know, it sounds horrible and sometimes it really is, but hopefully in the process you can foster an environment in which your submissive will feel comfortable sharing their emotions with you as well. It is out of that same love and compassion that keeps people together that also insists we not burden others with our problems and sets us up for failure. You will start to gain an openness where you are sharing those feelings hardest for you which you might otherwise have been hiding, perhaps even from yourself. In order to get there it takes trust and faith on both ends and an ability to communicate with out the fear of hurting feelings or getting in trouble.

I challenge others reading this to understand, if you desire to have a long lasting, functioning and healthy relationship, openness wins out over stoicism every time. Even with the best of intention behind it, hiding from your partner will still cause damage, they don’t need to hear the words come from your lips to be hurt by them. When you do not share honestly with your partner you are doing a disservice to both of you and providing your partner with a false representation of reality in which things are fine or acceptable when they are not is not only being dishonest it is also ensuring things will not get better. A sustainable relationship requires this commitment to open communication from both ends, without fear of how you might be negatively affected, so when your partner does share with you, try not to react – try to listen. Understand the basic point that feelings are never wrong, whether they are yours or theirs – it does not matter if why they feel this way is illogical, or even factually inaccurate. Reality doesn’t matter to our feelings, but our feelings will shape our realities; so proceed accordingly, knowing we have now stepped out of the world of black and white, right or wrong, and into those yield-less shades of gray. Of special mention for submissive partners who might fear punishment or other repercussions for expressing themselves, realize if you have never made yourself clear and spoken with clarity and certainty that something is an issue, you can’t have the expectation your dominant partner should just know something is wrong. Most people will inherently just believe things are okay unless they hear otherwise. Also if either of you are expressing a serious concern, address it as such, being sheepish or avoidant serves benefit to no one. The assumption of mind reading is a coffin nail to so many relationships with guilt laid on the shoulders of dominant and submissive alike.

Now what do you do if you find yourself in a relationship which has been damaged? First and foremost, regardless of the reason, you have to both make a conscious choice if you are going to work on fixing it; because one person alone, no matter how hard they try can’t do it. It will take all parties involved to be committed to do whatever it takes for it to work. You have to be willing to fight for it and have the decisiveness to give it your all. Live in the present and not the past, and don’t waste time playing a blame game that isn’t going to solve anything. Set realistic expectations and don’t go into it blindly thinking restoration and healing will be easy. A close friends father told him “a relationship isn’t 50/50 its 100/100” and I think truer words were never said.

Sadly some people simply aren’t compatible and no matter how much work both parties do, they will never endure, at least not in a way that is healthy for both parties. To those that do decide to part ways, attempt to do so amiably and try to keep in mind that you did love this person once and you had legitimate and valid reasons for doing so. For most relationships though, while salvaging a relationship will take considerable time and resources it is worth it. Every relationship will struggle and if you’re just starting another repeating the same behaviors is setting yourself up for failure. Having a lasting relationship is less about finding the perfect person and more about the determination to stay together and work through the problems rather than the easier option of just walking away. It’s no surprise that so many relationships crumble once they hit this point if there isn’t a willingness to sacrifice.

We live in a world which conditions us to simply replace what is “broken” and that it takes too much effort to repair what you already have. In these moments of intense emotion, pain and fear people often forget that people are not interchangeable material goods despite how we might treat them. People too often put more importance on the role than on who is fulfilling it. It is easy enough to find someone to fulfill a similar role but you can never replace a person and you will never get the same relationship. People aren’t their roles and understanding that moving forward will help. Instead, focus on what makes them special and on what brought you both together rather than where they fell short or didn’t match up with the picture of them that we created in our minds. Clear up the confusion and make sure that needs and wants of both parties are clearly communicated. Usually it is early expectations we enter into relationships having of one another about what that role is supposed to be that eventually leads us to conflict and could have been easily avoided with a bit of directness.

So I’m not going to end this with a bullshit mantra that you have heard a thousand times, instead I will just say this; life has a way of giving you what you need and not what you want and sometimes those lessons are very hard. As they say, “you pays your money and you takes your chances”. You have no option other than to just keep on moving forward trying to make sense of a senseless world, and do whatever is in your power to make today a better day than yesterday. We have one shot at this whole life thing, regardless of what comes after, this is our only time in this life. Right here and right now, your options are to just sit back and wait until the ride is over or take a proactive step towards learning from your mistakes and working towards making tomorrow better for yourself and any current or future relationships in which you might engage.

Lastly, whether it be together or alone, just learn to let go. Let go of your expectations, let go of your fantasies and your preconceived notions of what your partner was supposed to be like. Let go of your shortcomings and your failures and similarly let go of theirs. Let go of your fears and let go of your triggers and your pain, it won’t serve you here. Let go of your past and let go of trying to control the future because you never will. Just let go.

FOOTNOTE:
Let me take a brief second to go on a tangent here, in my article I was over-generalizing here to relate the information more directly to myself and my own experiences. My statements above are about my own struggles and that is not to say all dominant people are male or all submissive partners are female. I realize all dominant partners fall into the same line of toxic expectations of perfection regardless of gender or sex. I acknowledge dominant females face similar yet struggles of societal backlash being immediately assumed as man hating “bitches”. I see how, for similar reasons, as to why dominant males feel constantly in a pissing contest, submissive partner males are viewed, often even within our own subculture, as inherently dysfunctional, weak and powerless.

* Reference: HTTP://www.policymic.com/articles/54105/the-one-thing-all-men-feel-but-never-admit

Jacean Mikhael has been challenging the BDSM community since 1999, when he formed his first TNG chapter in Orlando and continued on with TNG International Council, SL,UT TNG, Utah Power Exchange. In 2009 he opened Orlando’s first and only public dungeon, Darkside Acting Studio with a “free-to-play” model that encouraged local community service and involvement as opposed to membership or admittance fees. Jacean has been offering his unique teaching style for over a decade as an educator at prominent BDSM events throughout the country and private mentor-ships. Outside his commitment to BDSM education, Jacean has also had an extensive career as an artist, chef, musician, and event promoter. His first book in a educational literature series  “BDSM Without the Bullshit” will be published later this year promoting a radical new methodology for practical application of titleless power exchange relationships.

29Jun/13

Being a Crabby Bitch is Part of My Charm

Being a Crabby Bitch is Part of My Charm

by SweetGeekGoddess

(c)June 2013
Let’s face it, language has power. How we express our thoughts and feelings leaves an indelible mark on those we interact with. Our words can heal, wound arouse or abuse. Midori the wonderful sex educator and bondage artist teaches a wonderful class on ‘Aural Sex’. Midori demonstrates how to use words as tools to arouse and entice our lovers. Some words like bitch, whore, cunt and slut can be used to evoke lust or rage depending on who is using them and how they are meant.

I know when the Governor softly whispers ‘slut’ in my ear that I melt for him. I know what he means by ‘slut’ and I am delighted with the moniker. Other words like ‘bitch’ used to be a very real trigger for me. I would take real exception to being called a bitch, even by him.

I am pretty outspoken, and have even been accused of calling a spade a fucking shovel. Needless to say being an outspoken female submissive in a BDSM community of old guard traditionalists, goreans and ex-Mormons can be a walk on egos/eggshells. I have lost count of the number of times I have been called “intimidating” or “bitch”. I remember clearly the time a community leader called me a ‘toppy little bitch’ within the Governor’s hearing. He immediately turned around while bringing me in close for a kiss and said, “Yes, but she is MY toppy little bitch.”

At that moment, I really understood and trusted that the Governor loves and appreciates me and my outspokenness. He isn’t intimidated by it in the slightest. He not only enjoys my honesty, but has come to count on it. It is part of our dynamic and our power exchange. As we both love language and innuendo it is become an aspect of our aural foreplay. I am the Kate to his Petruchio and it works.

Thanks to the Governor, I no longer associate being called a bitch, a cunt, a whore as a bad thing… or any other names that spew from the mouths of those bullies and twats who squirm at a bit of truth. I know my Governor loves me just as I am. He has endowed bitch, whore, cunt and slut with empowerment and strength. I embrace them and adore them as mine. Because no matter what you call me, I am and always will be “HIS“.

20Jun/13

A Dom, is a Dom, is a Dom

ring-bdsm-dominant

Dominant ring image by libertinange.com

by InternationalD’s

(c) June 2013 All rights reserved ~ This article is the sole intellectual property of the author and CAN NOT be reprinted any any format without the express written permission of the author.

 

 

 

The original of this article and comments can be direct to the author via Fetlife at:  https://fetlife.com/users/2166817/posts/1619035

There’s an issue I see far too frequently that causes so many problems. It’s about what makes a Dom, a Dom.

I’m not going to go off about rules of thumb or guidelines. My main issue is the idea that a Dom needs a sub.

Just as your sexual orientation isn’t defined by your relationship status, me being a Dom isn’t defined by who is subbing for me.

This idea that a Dom isn’t a Dom without a sub causes many issues so please allow me to express my take on my two big issues.

Lets get the bigger most public issue out there for you subs and even others who have had those wannabe “doms” who clamber or snarl at you. To all you wannabe “doms” as I will refer to you. The reason you are ordering people around that aren’t yours is because you feel you aren’t a Dom without someone to serve you. Let me say this is not true, even with someone submitting to you you’re still not a Dom. Your mindset that you need someone to make you what you should already be is the flaw in who you aspire to become. Leave people alone and stop pressuring them to give you self worth.

Next, to all you rude subs out there nodding at my previous comments. I don’t (nor any other true Dom) need you to make me a Dom. That means those comments such as “you couldn’t handle me”, “I’m not yours” or “I would never submit to you” are not needed unless you are asked to submit or it is implied in a serious manner. I am very serious in the right moments as I hope many can agree with but, in other moments I like to tease and flirt with no agenda or hidden intent. Consequently when your blunt rudeness is met with comments on your behavior this doesn’t prove your point or mean that a Dom is throwing a fit like other “doms” have in your past.

I understand the pressure and harassment subs receive (especially females). I understand that you have wanna be “doms” say things to you, you retaliate, then they get upset. What I’d like you all to keep in mind is this can either be a “dom” that feels he needs you to make him a Dom and when you are rude to him he lashes out or, it’s a Dom being himself and when YOU are rude to him he comments on it.

Make sure you know the difference because I don’t need a sub to make me a Dom and my apologies go out to all women who have had to deal with these “doms”. Especially if its made you jaded.

I can’t speak for subs, but don’t rush. Find the right Dom for you. You are a sub even if you don’t have a Dom.

10Jun/13

Some Passing Thoughts on Being a Good Dominant

 

PuttingOnTheCollar

PuttingOnTheCollar ~ photographer unknown

by Master James (Master James can be found on Fetlife HERE)

Used with Permission all rights reserved

A lot of people seem to want authority; they crave the power, the position of control, to be able to exert their will…. But most don’t know how to handle it. Like most people when given unbridled power, they become cruel, harsh, unkind, cold, and distant.

But this isn’t what a Dominant should be. A Dom should be a father, an older brother, a guide, a protector, a teacher. A Dom should ALWAYS have the best interest of the Submissive at heart.

Being a Dom isn’t about canning, whipping, flogging, or ordering people around. They are the requirements of a Sadist and an egomaniac.

Sadism and Masochism are regularly confused with Dominance and Submission. Let me make this clear; they are separate predispositions that may or may not coincide with Dominant and Submissive orientation.

Being a Dominant is about taking responsibility. About stepping up to the plate and saying; “My shoulders are big enough to bear the weight, to accept the responsibility that comes with taking control”

A Dominant is a leader, a doer not a talker; someone who is willing and ready to provide another person with what they need.

A Dominant needs to know and accept that many Submissives will appear in a manner that the Dom might perceive to be needy. If the Dom isn’t happy to accept the emotional needs of the Submissive, then the Dom isn’t ready to take ownership of a Submissive.

A selfish person can never be a true Dom. They are a child in an adult’s body. A cruel Dom is nothing more than a kid with a magnifying glass burning ants and playing God.

Does this mean that Sadists are bad? No it doesn’t. A sadist is the perfect counterbalance to a masochist. Since many Subs are also masochists, then a sadist Dom will fit perfectly. But when the sadistic Dom inflicts pain upon the masochistic Sub, the primary motivation should be giving the Sub what he/she needs; the pleasure that the Dom gets out of the act must remain secondary.

This rule holds true for all fun D/S activities, whether it be; humiliation, degradation, or sexual acts/intercourse.
The reason that a Dom will control the orgasms of a Sub is because the Sub yearns to be controlled. Not because the Dom selfishly doesn’t want to see the Sub pleasured. The Submissive needs to feel that a reward has been earned.

Submissives will rebel, fight back, be disobedient, bratty, insubordinate, and just like a child they will generally test the limits of the Dominant. This is where the good Dominant shines, he/she won’t feel threatened, and they won’t loose control, or become emotional. This is an opportunity where a Dominant can display why they are in charge, and why the Submissive can trust them with control of their lives.

Correction, discipline, and punishment should be structured, fair, controlled, un-emotive, and relevant. It will reinforce the rules, the need for the rules, and the positions of Dom and Sub. It will give the Submissive what all Subs crave; a feeling of safety within the confines a caring D/S relationship with clear boundaries and rules. Afterwards the Sub should feel a positive sense of purpose and direction, knowing that the Dominant is striving to achieve the absolute best for the Sub.

The D/S relationship needs to maintain balance. For every slap of the hand, swing of the flogger, or stroke of the cane, it needs to be equally counter balanced with a kiss, a hug, a stoke of the hair, and a whisper of a kind word.

A good Dom genuinely wants to see the submissive, grow, and improve as both a person and as a Sub. As such the Dom won’t just use the power granted him/her by the D/S relationship for sexual gains or amusement; they will endeavour to institute rules and instructions that will break bad habits, provide the Sub direction, focus and drive, and generally enrich the life of the Sub.

Not a guide on the one true way: Just some thoughts…….

26Oct/12

The Kid in the Candy Shop: A Note for BDSM Newbies

CandyStore by Eric M. Martin

Candy Store by Eric M. Martin

Copyrighted material Used with Permission of the author all rights reserved

by Chris Carroll aka Book

Alright kids… time to have a little talk you and I. Just sit still a second and listen to this because what I’m telling you isn’t out of lording or thinking I’m better or older or even wiser because absolutely none of that shit is true. I am no expert in anything except my own story and I am going to tell you a bit of my story because I think it might be able to help. So you’ve come out. You’ve realized that not only do you like some things that are questionable and kinky but you’ve come to realize through this website and through events and stuff that not only are there other people who like this stuff… some of those people are fucking HOT. Like, holy fucking hell! You say more tits and ass at one party then you had all through puberty and this really cute such and such actually talked to you, mostly naked, about how on occasion she closes her eyes and bites her lip and likes to pretend she’s getting raped. HOLY FUCK MAN.

Welcome to the Candy Store. The next few weeks of your life are going to be one of the toughest of your life. I wish you well. I hope you do better in these few weeks then I did because, well… I’ve never been much of one for willpower. It has taken me years to learn self control. It has taken me years to fight off an addiction to sex and submission and power and control. You’ve stepped through one hell of a rabbit hole and you’re just begining to realize that all te stuff that used to make you think a deviant and a freak and (in my case a possible sociopathic criminal) are actually not all that uncommon. There are others like you. They call themselves a community. They throw parties. You can learn from others, you can meet girls or boys who want to play with you… this girl was just talking to me in a bustier and nothing else about how she sometimes like rape. This girl must be soooooo fucking dtf. Like, wow man…

And that’s where I, and a whole lot of other people, screwed up right at the start. We torpedoed ourselves for the candy store. There was so much there, so much available. I was friendly and reasonably good looking and I could talk a good game so… yeah. This is gonna be great!

In the mid nineties a man that I will love to my dying day took me by the throat and dragged me the fuck out of the community. He saw what I was doing and he had had enough. I was playing with everyone I could convince to come to my house. I was booty calling like a fucking mad man. My friends, those that hung around, refer to that stage of my life as the Irish Slut Boy year and both they and I are fucking amazed I am still alive today from some of the shit I was doing. So my Master pulled me away and decided that I needed to learn a few fundamentals of a healthy lifestyle and community. He collared me for a short term of service in his house. He made me start from the bottom and work my way up. He taught me just about everything I know about kink and service and even a hell of a lot about common decency, manners, respect and love for your fellow kinksters.

Here is what it boils down to…

It is a candy store, but it is one of those high end candy stores where you can look but you really shouldn’t be slobbering over someone else’s chocolate.

Yes, sometime kink and sex cross paths. Lots of the time. But (and this is the golden rule for babydoms and I swear to god the only thing that makes me want to smack em) YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION THE AFTER EFFECTS OF PLAY. Yes, its easy to scene with strangers. They get what tey want and you get what you want. But you HAVE to take into consideration this one thing… when you play with power, and submission, and trust to the levels that we by our very basic definitions do you HAVE to accept that there is going to be some attachment. You can’t beat someone into the dirt and then help them up without them wanting to fucking hug you afterwards. Most of the “Drama” that erupts in the scene boils down to this one fact. We don’t always take into consideration just how addictive/dependent we can become to play or to the people who make us play hard.

The absolute best thing you can do is find one partner who likes as much of the same stuff as you do and train with them. Play with them. Learn with them. You can be a couple, you can just be play friends, just spend your time exploring as much as you can with that one person and as you do that take stock of just how much emotional stuff develops between you. THIS IS NOT AN ABERRATION. THIS IS NOT A DOWNER OR A REASON TO DUMP SOMEONE’S ASS. This is the nature of the game.

If you don’t know someone’s head and someone’s heart there is no reason you should be anywhere near someone’s body. Ninety percent of the game, the turn on, the build up (the stuff that makes this INTENSE AND WORTHWHILE and not just random pick up fun) comes from the attachments casual sex players toss off. Don’t fall into the same trap I did.

Yes, there is lots of pretty. Pretty is fun to look at. Pretty is fun to flirt with. But trust me… its so much better when you let it grow to be more then that.

Find someone you like who has some stuff in common and work on making a dynamic between the two of you. Even if its even something like three simple rules that get enforced by one bare bottom smack.

See how fast it grows into something bigger, better and staggeringly intense.

Trust me.

I’ve fucked up royal. I’ve wrecked people and wrecked myself. Had my master not pulled me out when he had I probably would have contracted a bunch of STDs and wrecked a bunch of lives. I’ve blown off people seriously into me because they were seriously INTO me and I just thought they were kinky lays.

Welcome to the Candy Store.

Please don’t piss on the floor as badly as I did.

SIDE NOTE:

I once asked my Master, on my last day of service when I was allowed to dress properly and sit at the table and have a meal with him why he had done it. I asked why he had bothered. I mean, I was younger and in much better shape and at the time very much an anal slut and a bit of a bottom. I knew that on some level I had served him well and pleased him well physically and, after a few beginning mishaps, I kept his house running in good order. But all the other stuff, the history of the community and all the interpersonal relationship instructions. He didn’t have to teach me any of that stuff. But he had anyway. So I asked him. And he told me that he wanted me to realize two things and only two things as I left his service and his house. I COULD NOT make kink my life. It is not a goal or a career or an ambition and yet it plays with so many addictive elements that it could easily destroy you. Lets face it… its a fucking drug. We play with euphoria and ecstasy and endorphin rushes similar to the most extreme sports. Add a healthy amount of sex in with cool parties and yes… the life can wreck you. So he had to make sure I didn’t kill myself with it because, to quote, I like your pretty face. He also said that getting on in years he was growing to appreciate the Grandfather clause of being an elder… in that I would leave and some day I would take a submissive of my own and teach her. And she would move on and teach someone else. And so on, and so forth. I felt that for the first time today actually… weird coincidence. A girl that I very much adore has moved on. She is now strong and knows gads more about this stuff then I do and she now has a new play mate and they are learning from each other and I can tell just from looking at them, that they are going to be mighty and amazing. I brought her out, she brought him out. The grandfather clause. For the first time ever I seem to be okay with Sughra calling me Grandpa. Actually, no. But still…

He changed my life. I miss him very much.

I hope this helps some of you as you take those first steps. Step lightly. But step sure.

Love you all.

 

26Oct/12

Killing Uhura (The Next Generation): Communications in Kinks

Star Trek's UhuraCopyrighted material Used with Permission of the author all rights reserved

by Chris Carroll aka Book

The single hardest thing we have to do in any relationship is talk. Ever notice that? In the first days you just can’t shut up when near each other. You drop bomb shell after bomb shell and the other person is so entranced and so into you that they just process all that information because they’re building up their concept of you in their head and they are hungry for every tid bit they can get. This is the honeymoon period of every relationship. Add that to the pulse pounding excitement of the first time you do anything and everything together and you’ve a perfect storm of love and affection. I love the starts of things almost as much as my cathatic soul loves when things end (I’m all about the rebuilding… taking the stones of the cathedral and turning them into… oh… a pub).

But what happens when you lose the ability to talk? I fell asleep last night listening to some relationship guru yattering away on talk radio and she said something I must have read a thousand times in a thousand different books over the years. Those who are happiest in this world are those who never lose the ability to communicate both with total strangers or the people they love the most. Good communication improves every single aspect of your life. What is “Community Drama” other then two people who need to just sit the fuck down and have a conversation with each other being too pig headed to do it and gathering their friends on their “Side”? You stop talking and nine times out of ten you start keeping secrets. Nine times out of ten you start feeling guilty. Nine times out of ten you knock the first stones out of the bridge between you.

So why the fuck do we do it? Why do we kill Uhura?

That’s easy.

1. We did something we’re not proud of and we just don’t want the other person to know. This person is the center of our universe and her opinion of me is the only one that really matters. I don’t think I’d survive seeing disappointment in her eyes.

2. We did something that we know will hurt them and it is absolutely better to spare that, take it on ourselves and bury it fucking deep in a chance to maintain the status quo.

3. We’re said it all before. My stories are getting old. I’m getting boring. What do you say to the person who you can’t charm with words anymore because you used up all your voco-mojo in the first few months of the relationship.

I’m probably missing something but lets face it. Those are the three main ones. I think all of these form around one common miscomprehension. You cannot, and do not, EVER know what the other person is thinking. Even if they were completely and totally born without a poker face, even if you know them so well that you can read every single eye twitch and the emotion that spawns it you don’t know them THAT well. I know that what I have to tell you will hurt you and I know you don’t deserve that and I don’t want you to think less of me because I think nothing but everything of you… and yet… really… do I know how you’re going to react? Do I know how you deal with things. For the first few hours, yes I do. But I have no idea how you’ll process the emotions in the long run. I mean, you could tell me that you just had a fabulous fucking gang bang and squirted all over the place and did all sorts of really awesome things that I had wanted to do with you. Angry? Sure. Jealous? Sure. But do you know the moment when the emotion simmers down and my brain starts working again? Do you know that maybe an hour later that pervy part of myself that gets off on you being naughty will actually start wanting details? Do you know why it is I am wired to NOT feel jealousy for longer then an hour. You’ve heard the story… you’ve heard all my stories but do you know how the mechanics of it works? We always hold back because we assume our partners will take things badly.

The only thing I take badly to are secrets. I am a pretty happy guy. Maybe there is something to that. Or maybe I’m an emotional masochist. Okay, I am totally an emotional masochist but the point remains…. I’d rather know then not.

I had an interesting encounter recently. I ran in to a girl who was so conditioned against fighting, so conditioned against pissing her partner off that she would stop mid sentence whenever her brain flashed that the person she was talking to might react badly. Any attempts to get her to finish her sentence would be rebuked. She self edited to a degree I had never, ever seen before. Kinda common. Who doesn’t self edit on occasion. But I had never seen it quite this bad. It was, to be honest, a tad infuriating. I have only one rule with people I scene with. Don’t snow me. Don’t lie to me. Don’t hold back. If I am doing something wrong I won’t fix it til you tell me. If something makes you uncomfortable, tell me. Hell if my apartment has a bad smell or you just can’t stand the look of my cottage cheese ass anymore… just tell me. Everything can be fixed, and to be honest, after the initial hit we’ll be on much more stable ground. Fixing something can be a good bonding experience.

Hiding something, no matter how stealthy cool you are… not so much.

I digress.

Everyone always says communication is key to a relationship. Makes sense. But it our dynamics it is even more critical then most. I bring this up because there has been a fairly serious lack of communications and negotiations out there. I’m not saying that every little scene should have some sort of written contract but I have seen some stuff go down lately between TOTAL FUCKING STRANGERS that probably shouldn’t have. I’m all for losing myself in the moment but holy crap. What we do is DANGEROUS. I explained it to a friend once that it was more or less an extreme sport… we spend as much time training as athletes, as much time taking lumps and as much energy. I can’t scene without at least one long assed conversation, even months before, where I get the feel of the person I’m playing with. If I’m topping I really want to know what they’re looking for and need out of our time together. I really want to know where the landmines are and how to walk across the graveyard without blowing skeletons out of the Earth. If I’m letting some hot thing tie me up I want to be able to say, with reasonable assuredy, that when I am all spacy they aren’t going to jamming a red hot poker up my ass or taking my head off with a band saw.

“I don’t know… you’re the dom, you choose what we’re doing.”

If I had a nickle for every time I heard that. I’ve actually untied people, put their clothes back on and sent them home to think about what they want. I have. Or to think about what they think Doms are supposed to do because if all their information is coming off the interwebs they’re seriously confused. Go home and think about what you want in this scene. Go fantasize the hottest fucking rape and pillage you can cream to, write it down and send it to me. We’ll do that. Right now all the Dom wants is to know what he can do for the sub.

Which brings me back to the point.

We deal in a lifestyle that pushes limits. Our own and others. We deal in a lifestyle that has its own rules, its own titles, its own protocols and is generally just a shitstorm waiting to happen if you step over someone’s lines. Its a strange and wonderful world and I fucking love it. But I am well armed. If nothing else, I know how to talk to people. Maybe I’ve grown up and gotten old but for me, this whole lifestyle now is about the head. The one on my shoulders. I will get down and dirty with the best of them sure but I want to know what is going on in your head. What makes you feel dirtiest? What makes you feel strongest? Do you prefer aftercare or just a “Wow, Painslut! Well done, get the fuck out!” Kink takes sex and sews it together with a whole bunch of other concepts and this is why I love it. Sex is sex. Yay. Woo. Boring. But sex mixed in with this creepy little dream you used to have that made you feel both scared and naughty at the same time? Then it becomes something else. Then it becomes something special.

For me, its all about that. Layering all these different aspects onto each other. Dealing with your fantasies. Your fears. Your dreams. Shit you’ve never told anyone before that makes your heart hammer in your chest and you’re embarassed to admit and yet…

The idea that you get to do it keeping you wet and distracted for days…

Kink is about creativity and ideas.

All of which can’t happen when you lose the ability to talk.

I don’t care much about how long you’ve been together or how established the roles are. The dynamic is NOT the relationship. The roles are NOT the people. Every now and then you need to re read the old diaries. Every now and then you need to look over the original contracts. Every now and then you need to stop being the Sir, and start being the man. Every now and then you need a day sitting across from each other as equals.

This is going to be the most vanilla thing I will say today. Untie the girl and dress her up pretty. Go to a nice restaurant. Look into her eyes.

And let her talk.

25Oct/12

What BDSM Is All About

Copyrighted material Used with Permission of the author all rights reserved

By Chris Carroll aka Book

It has cost me a job. It has cost me relationships. It has cost me a bit of pride and forced me to re-evaluate a lot of things that I have always taken for granted as solid in my world. This is okay. This is how I live. This is how I will live from now on because I don’t think I can ever go back to vanilla. This is why. This is what it’s all about…

…it’s about anticipation, that feeling you get when you know you’re about to do something you’ve longed for all of your days, or not longed, ACHED for. A way to be touched and that feeling of euphoria that comes when you’ve found someone who knows how to touch in that way; it’s about not being able to concentrate at work, your mind falling back to the fantasy you had last night when you were alone and trying to sleep and how your little fingers played your body thinking that the fantasy might actually come true; it’s about the run home, the long preperatory shower; picking panties and clothes that are going to make him just DIE; sitting on your hands on the sofa while he sits facing you, hands on your knees holding them apart, whispering his lips so close to your ear…

…it’s about surprise. It’s about things you’ve never thought of, never imagined, never dreamed you could do or worse, even be into. You are standing with your forehead to the wall, your shirt and bra strap worked down over your shoulders, barely on, the button of your jeans open, fly down, panties showing standing there with your eyes closed and he is standing close behind you. You’ve lived here YEARS. Never once did you ever think, especially when you first saw that wall, that you would be standing against it… skin to it… clothes almost falling off… wanting this man to touch you wanting to know what comes next wanting wanting wanting… almost screaming when his lips brush your neck, lips cover teeth, teeth bite… give me your neck to kiss or my teeth will take it. The fist that lands so close to your face startling you, making you fall back against his body… being gently pushed back up against the wall. For that transgression these pants are forfeit… it’s about how wet you get, standing there in your corner with your cute little ass exposed and how you NEVER EVER thought you could get into this.

…it’s about secrets, and fantasies, and the limits you put on yourself. it’s about the naughty little things you’ve always kept locked away in the back of your head… I can’t list them, I’m only still learning of them myself. But you know what they are. you know about how you feel the gambit of emotions around all of them, sometimes ashamed, sometimes amused, sometimes very very aroused. It’s about how they make you feel slutty and how that slutty makes you feel strong. It’s about how they make you feel dirty and how that dirty version of yourself is really kind of hot and you wish you could be her more often because she doesn’t take shit from anybody. It’s about the second life, the soul, that little image of ourselves that we have locked away and that only slips out when we’re on our knees with a cock in our mouth or getting fucked stupidly in a way we shouldn’t be; when we stop being us and start being about the act. We go for a smoke break and the understudy comes to the stage and my god you wish you could be more like her sometimes. It’s about shining a light in the closet, pulling her out and giving her a good once over and realizing, once and for all, that you’re the same person. Let her back in and be better, fuller, more honestly YOU for it.

…it’s about your fears. It’s about thinks that scare you and facing them down. Pain is scary. Being tied up and left in the hands of someone with evil designs on you is scary. It’s about the feeling you get when you face those fears, fight em for an entire scene, and emerge on the other side. It’s about what doesn’t even go through your head when you are tied down on that table. It’s not about the knife tracing so deadly along your flesh or the hand around your throat or how many times you come close to unconsciousness. It’s not about the fire that erupts on your skin or the needles or even the unblinking staring face that is without any hint of emotion as the cock rapes you. It’s about the fact that you are doing this, you are facing this with someone that you trust and when you get passed this hands will be holding you up, helping you rise, and you will never fear these things again. Take a beating, a good hard beating followed by being tied up and fucked at knife point by someone who loves you and NO ONE will EVER be able to bullshit you again.

…it’s about trust. It’s about trusting someone enough to be able to let go completely with them. No worries, no fears, no secrets, no lies. It’s about knowing that for the length of the scene, the moment, the relationship whatever… for the length of time that you are connected you can trust this person with your life. You don’t need to hide anything from them. They are going to peel away your clothes, peel away your worries, peel away all the things that clog up your filters and keep the REAL you hidden. Sure scenes can be scary, but you can face it because underneath all the emotions layered on top of you during a scene… playing to your fear, your embarrassment, humiliation, whatever your game all of that is piled onto trust. You trust that these hands that slap you, this man that makes you sit there, naked, spreading your pussy in a room full of people for everyone to see, these hands that beat you will also caress you and also hold you and lift you. It’s about trust. Even the simplest trust of a promise… you do well girl and I will give you an orgasm that will make your eyes roll back into your head. you don’t do what I tell you and you are going to stay tied up in this scary dark place forever. It’s about trusting someone enough to feel free with them. complete and total freedom.

…it’s dirty. It’s BAD. It’s about being knocked down, and down, and stepped on while you’re down there. It’s about all pretension and fakeness being shaken off of you, old ideas and misconceptions that need to be torn from you sometimes violently. It’s about beatings and floggings and dragon tails and violet wands. It’s about pain and the endorphins pain release. It’s about going down down down as far as you can go. It’s about hitting a wall and thinking oh good jesus I can’t possibly take any more of this and then being pushed past it. then you’re stunned that you’re in this new place and a new wall comes and you cry out please fuck no anything but and you’re past that one now too. It’s about sitting on a couch, held, warm, at the end of a scene and being told exactly what happened. No love, you were on that cross for three hours. no dear, the bruises will probably show up tomorrow. I was beating on you for three hours. You cried. You begged. I told you to shut up and you did. And you know what… you survived. You are so much fucking stronger then anyone has ever given you credit for and I swear to god if you get down on yourself EVER again for being weak I will remind you of exactly what happened here tonight. Not weak. Strong. So fucking strong. I am so fucking proud of you. There are no words. Well done baby. Good fucking job.

…it’s about sex. No, really. It is. I’ve heard all the arguments against this. Hell i just wrote most of them. But let’s be honest here if in no other place, honest here if with no other people then with each other and ourselves. It’s about sex. Put your hand around a willing sub’s neck and two things happen… they drift a little, that dirty inner self comes out a bit and they get turned on. I get more of an erection from firmly holding someone by the shoulders then I do watching a good strip tease. I’ve heard the club rules and agree with them… you can’t do a rape scene without rape, sure and maybe not everyone wants to see you getting your naughty on. I get that too. But let’s not kid ourselves. You dream about being fucked while tied down. You dream about being powerless to a group of rough handed thick cocked men who make you do degrading things and use you for nothing else then there own sexual pleasure. You get wet at the thought. That’s sexual. I get hard at the idea of fucking hand cuffed girls. I get hard at the idea someone tied up on their knees in front of me. That’s sexual. Okay… maybe if it’s not about sex, how about we cut the difference and say there is certainly a sexual element to it? I can go out into public and do public scenes but nine times out of ten whoever my playmate is will be coming home with me and getting fucked six ways of Tuesday because, well frankly, I can’t think of a better reward then orgasms

…it’s about honesty. About complete honesty. Of facing one another with nothing hiding. And about accepting that. And taking that person’s hand regardless.