Category Archives: BDSM

General BDSM

29Jun/13

Being a Crabby Bitch is Part of My Charm

Being a Crabby Bitch is Part of My Charm

by SweetGeekGoddess

(c)June 2013
Let’s face it, language has power. How we express our thoughts and feelings leaves an indelible mark on those we interact with. Our words can heal, wound arouse or abuse. Midori the wonderful sex educator and bondage artist teaches a wonderful class on ‘Aural Sex’. Midori demonstrates how to use words as tools to arouse and entice our lovers. Some words like bitch, whore, cunt and slut can be used to evoke lust or rage depending on who is using them and how they are meant.

I know when the Governor softly whispers ‘slut’ in my ear that I melt for him. I know what he means by ‘slut’ and I am delighted with the moniker. Other words like ‘bitch’ used to be a very real trigger for me. I would take real exception to being called a bitch, even by him.

I am pretty outspoken, and have even been accused of calling a spade a fucking shovel. Needless to say being an outspoken female submissive in a BDSM community of old guard traditionalists, goreans and ex-Mormons can be a walk on egos/eggshells. I have lost count of the number of times I have been called “intimidating” or “bitch”. I remember clearly the time a community leader called me a ‘toppy little bitch’ within the Governor’s hearing. He immediately turned around while bringing me in close for a kiss and said, “Yes, but she is MY toppy little bitch.”

At that moment, I really understood and trusted that the Governor loves and appreciates me and my outspokenness. He isn’t intimidated by it in the slightest. He not only enjoys my honesty, but has come to count on it. It is part of our dynamic and our power exchange. As we both love language and innuendo it is become an aspect of our aural foreplay. I am the Kate to his Petruchio and it works.

Thanks to the Governor, I no longer associate being called a bitch, a cunt, a whore as a bad thing… or any other names that spew from the mouths of those bullies and twats who squirm at a bit of truth. I know my Governor loves me just as I am. He has endowed bitch, whore, cunt and slut with empowerment and strength. I embrace them and adore them as mine. Because no matter what you call me, I am and always will be “HIS“.

23Jun/13

What Are Women in BDSM Doing?

At last researchers have studied women in kink.  Dr. Jenn’s Denn interviews Jennifer Rehor who shares her research into women, kink, & BDSM.  Jennifer Rehor interviewed over 1500 women asking about their kink.  Her findings are amazing.   She dispels some myths and offers ground-breaking findings!  You can follow DrJennDen at:  http://www.drjennsden.com

 

 

 

20Jun/13

A Dom, is a Dom, is a Dom

ring-bdsm-dominant

Dominant ring image by libertinange.com

by InternationalD’s

(c) June 2013 All rights reserved ~ This article is the sole intellectual property of the author and CAN NOT be reprinted any any format without the express written permission of the author.

 

 

 

The original of this article and comments can be direct to the author via Fetlife at:  https://fetlife.com/users/2166817/posts/1619035

There’s an issue I see far too frequently that causes so many problems. It’s about what makes a Dom, a Dom.

I’m not going to go off about rules of thumb or guidelines. My main issue is the idea that a Dom needs a sub.

Just as your sexual orientation isn’t defined by your relationship status, me being a Dom isn’t defined by who is subbing for me.

This idea that a Dom isn’t a Dom without a sub causes many issues so please allow me to express my take on my two big issues.

Lets get the bigger most public issue out there for you subs and even others who have had those wannabe “doms” who clamber or snarl at you. To all you wannabe “doms” as I will refer to you. The reason you are ordering people around that aren’t yours is because you feel you aren’t a Dom without someone to serve you. Let me say this is not true, even with someone submitting to you you’re still not a Dom. Your mindset that you need someone to make you what you should already be is the flaw in who you aspire to become. Leave people alone and stop pressuring them to give you self worth.

Next, to all you rude subs out there nodding at my previous comments. I don’t (nor any other true Dom) need you to make me a Dom. That means those comments such as “you couldn’t handle me”, “I’m not yours” or “I would never submit to you” are not needed unless you are asked to submit or it is implied in a serious manner. I am very serious in the right moments as I hope many can agree with but, in other moments I like to tease and flirt with no agenda or hidden intent. Consequently when your blunt rudeness is met with comments on your behavior this doesn’t prove your point or mean that a Dom is throwing a fit like other “doms” have in your past.

I understand the pressure and harassment subs receive (especially females). I understand that you have wanna be “doms” say things to you, you retaliate, then they get upset. What I’d like you all to keep in mind is this can either be a “dom” that feels he needs you to make him a Dom and when you are rude to him he lashes out or, it’s a Dom being himself and when YOU are rude to him he comments on it.

Make sure you know the difference because I don’t need a sub to make me a Dom and my apologies go out to all women who have had to deal with these “doms”. Especially if its made you jaded.

I can’t speak for subs, but don’t rush. Find the right Dom for you. You are a sub even if you don’t have a Dom.

17Jun/13

The Art of the Apology

ImSorry

I’m Sorry photo by boxchain

By Master Tatu

(c)  January 8, 2009 All rights reserved ~ This article is the sole intellectual property of the author and CAN NOT be reprinted any any format without the express written permission of the author. 

People are people and whenever they encounter one another, occasionally they do something that perhaps injures. I’m not talking about physical injury, but words or actions that injure or alienate another. Someone says or does something that harms or offends.

Now one would think that this is basic preschool stuff that we should have learned from our parents at home, but there are those who obviously never learned “The Art of Making an Apology”. I say “Art” because if not done so in a way that communicates and touches the soul and somehow breathes a new and more positive energy; we will come away feeling like we totally wasted our time with this person. It is an art to both ask for and receive forgiveness. It is an art to listen, offer forgiveness and live beyond the pain.

Now I have to say I have heard a lot of “nambie pampie” excuses for an apology in my years. Given I spent the 1st 20 or so years of my professional career involved in relationship, marriage and family counseling; and the last 15 expanding it into the legal services business; trust me I think I have probably heard just about everything; from dealing with the angry child or the rebellious teenager, to the cheating spouse; and even interviewing the child molester in jail for a case about to go to trial.

Back in the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s I’m sure I have probably spoken or written on this topic a dozen times or more, but rather than go through a bunch of old files, I decided to just write what comes to my heart today; perhaps because since the mid 90’s with the explosion of the Internet, we have a whole new genre’ of relationship issues that have appeared. So here goes.

The online world has generated a minefield of potential relationship catastrophes due to the ease of not being in the actual presence of real human being, and the relative perceived anonymity of sitting behind a keyboard looking at an electronic screen. I mean like who’s gonna care, really? They’ll get over it, right?

What happens is that it is relatively easy for people shoot their mouths off in an instant without engaging hardly any brain cells. It’s sort of like the illustration of how there is only enough blood in a man’s body to either supply his brain or his dick, but not both at the same time. That’s why when a man gets that testosterone pumping (ie. gets a hard on); his head drops, his brow lowers and he is in a state of fuck…. Picture the Neanderthal here.

Same thing happens on line, especially for the males. They get that testosterone pumping and they start typing. Before you know it they are popping out all kinds of discourteous verbal abuse to the nearest bystander or in some cases the object of their focused attacks. They will puff their chest out and show the world how great they are by attacking and putting down someone. Their tools are vile language, ridicule, harassment, baiting comments and / or pointing out how stupid you are for that typo and how you are just not “real” in this lifestyle like they are.

They are people who have such a low self esteem that they feel it necessary to try and pull others down to their level in order to make themselves feel as good as someone else, or they are egotistical assholes bent on being heralded as superior to others, condemning you to their holocaust of inferior beings.

Now with our western society having too few tools in the areas of politeness, common courtesy, and respect; this means all hell can break out in an instant in the online forum; or even in a local real time community.

I think it goes without saying that everyone wants these things… for people to be polite and courteous, but some have absolutely no clue on how to incorporate these basic core values into their day to day personality. Even worse, some have incorporated a “gangster” mentality to there approach complete with their drive by verbal shootings; or the illusion of being a real grand master of the erotic power play world.

Sometimes however a real man or woman steps forward and realizes s/he was having a bad day and see immediately that they need to make things right.

Occasionally one comes to understand that they have a real problem with an issue and need to address it with counseling. He or she has left a path of destruction and chaos in their way. People have been hurt, and not always simply the person you directly abused in some way. Either way they know they need to rectify the situation and make amends.

The Honest Desire to Rectify the Situation

Before any reconciliation or healing can ever occur, one must come to the realization that they truly did something wrong and desire to do something to make things right.

This is the first step in “The Art of The Apology”. This is a real problem in the online world, because that person you harmed lives a 1000 miles away and chances of ever encountering them in person is minuscule. So it’s easy to just blow things off and ignore the person or situation.

If it were something that happened in ones family or locally where you actually encounter someone in real time, the need might be more obvious. After all it is uncomfortable to be in the same space with that person, difficult to avoid the person you lied about or badmouthed at the local dungeon. Yet if one does not come to the decision that they should do something, then it will never go away. It will hinder relationships with others and one thing will grow on top of another and another until it disrupts the energy of the whole community.

Honesty with Self

The next thing I would say is for an apology to have the result one truly hopes for, you must be absolutely honest about what it is you did. To figure this out you must take some time to think about what happened; perhaps put yourself in the other person’s shoes; see and feel what it is you did to them. They are hurt, offended by what you did, you need to find out and understand why?

In fact however you may come away at this point unable to fully grasp why this person is so upset with you, or has withdrawn their friendship and is acting in a very distant manner. You just know it’s there, and you know something is not right. You may have a little idea, but don’t assume. One of the best principles in life I have ever discovered is “never assume”. Assuming anything at this point is not what you want to do. Be transparent enough with your soul, that you can honestly see what is. There could be some other issue at play that you have not considered; be open.

Yet it is a positive thing to simply realize you messed up and you need to make it right.

Communicate Openly and Honestly with the Person

So when you go to that person, it is vitally important to limit your comments and simply listen.

Ask the person for a special time to talk. Face to face, eyeball to eyeball is best, but in the online world that is not always possible. If it is give them a call and ask to meet over coffee one day.

If you are close enough to share on the phone; that would be 2nd best. I cannot stress enough the fact that you need to hear their voice; and they need to hear yours.

So you might start off emailing this person and asking them if perhaps you could call them and ask what would be a convenient time, that you want to make things right.

Once you have come together what do you say?

I would suggest that you tell them that you have come to the realization that what you did was wrong and if possible you want to make it right.

Describe the situation that occurred simply and honestly.

NO EXCUSES.

If you start making excuses, your apology is worthless. You have to truly take ownership for what you did. If you start trying to shift blame in any manner whatsoever, it’s never going to be resolved. You are just making a bigger ass out of yourself.

To shift blame is communicating, that you are not really sorry; you just want it to all go away. You don’t want to suffer any embarrassment for what you did.

So I recommend that you say something like this:

If you deceived someone, consider saying something like this:

“I lied to you the other day when I said (such and such); I know it is wrong to deceive you. I won’t do it again. I am asking that you please forgive me.”

Here are some other examples:

“What I did the other day, ridiculing you and calling you names in the chat room (or on a list), was not appropriate; what I did was not polite or courteous … If you could ever find it in your heart, I would ask for your forgiveness.

For the person with anger of verbal abuse issue, perhaps you should say something like this:

“I was very rude to you the other day when I said (such and such); I was very wrong for saying what I said. It was rude and verbally abusive. I’m going to see a counselor / talk to my pastor, priest or rabbi about dealing with my anger issues. I am asking you to please forgive what I did.”

LISTEN

Next you need to listen. They may need to say some things you weren’t expecting to hear. Don’t let it throw you. If your heart is honestly in a place for reconciliation; your response should not be excuses, but to include whatever in your apology.

You may need to ask:

“What do I need to do to make this right”? …and be willing to act accordingly.

FORGIVENESS

In the desire to make things right, forgiveness is a necessary component in order for the relationship to move forward in a positive manner.

Now, if you are the one who offended another, after you have made an honest apology, there is nothing you can do about this. It is up to the person who you offended to offer their forgiveness.

They may tell you to go take a hike. If that is the case and you have done what you should have done in making an honest apology with no excuses. It is no longer your problem, but theirs. If you however attempted to cloak your apology with excuses or shifting the blame. Then you deserve to be told to go fuck yourself. You are an asshole and will probably always be one.

Forgiveness is a GIFT to you.

In society when someone commits a crime, they are adjudicated guilty and they have to pay some price for their crime. It might be a fine or it might be time in jail.

When you harm someone in a human relationship, there can also potentially be a price to pay. Alienation is probably what it will come to. That person will not want to be around you and unless you are a complete sociopath you will find it very uncomfortable being around them.

So what is forgiveness? In reality, for someone to forgive you for your wrong doing, they are in fact absolving you of any responsibility for what you did; taking that punishment on themselves. This is what forgiveness is all about between human beings.

In other words, you are pardoned for any wrong doing. They are giving you a gift. In effect when someone forgives you they take on the hurt and carry it for you. True forgiveness is absolving the offending party of their wrong.

Society is not that way. You commit the crime, you do the time. If you got what you truly deserved, like in old Edo, you probably should be bound to the back of a horse, a sign hung around your neck listing your crimes and paraded through the town to the ridicule and disgust of others.

Yet to be truly forgiven, you pay nothing. You are absolved of all wrong doing. Life moves forward as if nothing ever happened.

Understand that your victim does not have to forgive you. As we said earlier, if you come to them with a bunch of bullshit excuses, they will know you are not truly sorry. Excuses only communicate that you are ego filled that you want to shift the blame and want the situation to go away so you don’t have to suffer the true humiliation of an honest introspective look within.

They could tell you to go take a hike, and sign you out of their lives if they want to. You cannot control their response.

So when one truly forgives a debt, there is nothing else to pay. If the offended party says they forgive you, but then dish out all kinds of crap in revenge, they have not truly given forgiveness.

FORGIVE

When one comes to you honestly asking for forgiveness, no excuses, no justifications, no shifting the blame; and you grant them forgiveness; that is the end of it.

When the words “I forgive you” are spoken, it means it is over. Now we move forward. We learn from what we experienced, we don’t look back, I’m not going to bring the issue up again; it’s over and we are good.

So what happens if you don’t forgive them? Say one spouse cheats on another, and one asks forgiveness, but the other says hell no! They live on in misery, month after month, year after year. Then one day the offended spouse says to her husband. I have decided to forgive you. You know what the cheater will likely say? “Forgive me? I don’t need your forgiveness, you have put me through hell for the past 5 years, I have paid my sins.”

You know what, they are right. They are not in need of your forgiveness anymore. They already did hard time.

It is true, however, that a relationship may be irreparably scarred. The best example is when one partner / spouse cheats on another. It is possible to forgive, heal and for the relationship to continue and grow and be okay. It is also possible that the harmed partner / spouse may forgive you, but is not willing to move forward with the relationship any more, or it may take some time and counseling until they feel they can trust you again. This is honest reality.

A Public Apology

This is the part that is going to separate the truly sorry from the pretenders, because it is going to involve humility before the community.

If you involved others in your offensive act(s), then you need to make that apology public. If you verbally abused someone, lied, ridiculed, stirred up a rumor, anything in an online forum or in any public manner, then you need to apologize not only to the person you directly hurt, but post an apology to the group. The community needs to know all is ok, so they can relax, breathe and know the negative energies have been removed.

When one involves the community in their drive by verbal shootings, the reality is that everyone ducks and heads for cover. They know what a dickhead you can be and they don’t want to be your next victim. Anytime the offender comes around (ie enters the chat room or posts on a forum, people are petrified. What is this guy going to say now? Will I be his next object of ridicule? Will he try and bait me, so he can put me down and show off his ego?

There is much talk about “community” these days in the alternative lifestyle world. Frankly, my experience has made me a skeptic, but I will buy into it when I actually see it; where people actually care about relationships and not the superficial mentality of “how is this going to affect whether or not I get to play this Friday night”.

So a public apology would go something like this:

“The other day I said (this and that) on this list about Billy. What I said was not true, and how I said it was rude and discourteous. That was wrong of me. I personally apologized to Billy yesterday and he was kind enough to offer his forgiveness for what I did; so I hope those of you on this list that witnessed my lack of courtesy will find it in your hearts to forgive me as well.”

No excuses, no shifting the blame; just the facts and apologize.

Conclusion

Community will always be a myth in the minds of some, or a tool to try and ridicule or pressure others into conformity until people start taking ownership of their words and deeds. Otherwise it will never be any more than a playground for the discourteous, the impolite, the serial bullies and the low self-esteemed to disrupt the simple pleasure of having a little fun.

I wish for more for our world. It begins one on one, honest communication, asking for and offering forgiveness; resolve in your heart to make things right.

10Jun/13

Some Passing Thoughts on Being a Good Dominant

 

PuttingOnTheCollar

PuttingOnTheCollar ~ photographer unknown

by Master James (Master James can be found on Fetlife HERE)

Used with Permission all rights reserved

A lot of people seem to want authority; they crave the power, the position of control, to be able to exert their will…. But most don’t know how to handle it. Like most people when given unbridled power, they become cruel, harsh, unkind, cold, and distant.

But this isn’t what a Dominant should be. A Dom should be a father, an older brother, a guide, a protector, a teacher. A Dom should ALWAYS have the best interest of the Submissive at heart.

Being a Dom isn’t about canning, whipping, flogging, or ordering people around. They are the requirements of a Sadist and an egomaniac.

Sadism and Masochism are regularly confused with Dominance and Submission. Let me make this clear; they are separate predispositions that may or may not coincide with Dominant and Submissive orientation.

Being a Dominant is about taking responsibility. About stepping up to the plate and saying; “My shoulders are big enough to bear the weight, to accept the responsibility that comes with taking control”

A Dominant is a leader, a doer not a talker; someone who is willing and ready to provide another person with what they need.

A Dominant needs to know and accept that many Submissives will appear in a manner that the Dom might perceive to be needy. If the Dom isn’t happy to accept the emotional needs of the Submissive, then the Dom isn’t ready to take ownership of a Submissive.

A selfish person can never be a true Dom. They are a child in an adult’s body. A cruel Dom is nothing more than a kid with a magnifying glass burning ants and playing God.

Does this mean that Sadists are bad? No it doesn’t. A sadist is the perfect counterbalance to a masochist. Since many Subs are also masochists, then a sadist Dom will fit perfectly. But when the sadistic Dom inflicts pain upon the masochistic Sub, the primary motivation should be giving the Sub what he/she needs; the pleasure that the Dom gets out of the act must remain secondary.

This rule holds true for all fun D/S activities, whether it be; humiliation, degradation, or sexual acts/intercourse.
The reason that a Dom will control the orgasms of a Sub is because the Sub yearns to be controlled. Not because the Dom selfishly doesn’t want to see the Sub pleasured. The Submissive needs to feel that a reward has been earned.

Submissives will rebel, fight back, be disobedient, bratty, insubordinate, and just like a child they will generally test the limits of the Dominant. This is where the good Dominant shines, he/she won’t feel threatened, and they won’t loose control, or become emotional. This is an opportunity where a Dominant can display why they are in charge, and why the Submissive can trust them with control of their lives.

Correction, discipline, and punishment should be structured, fair, controlled, un-emotive, and relevant. It will reinforce the rules, the need for the rules, and the positions of Dom and Sub. It will give the Submissive what all Subs crave; a feeling of safety within the confines a caring D/S relationship with clear boundaries and rules. Afterwards the Sub should feel a positive sense of purpose and direction, knowing that the Dominant is striving to achieve the absolute best for the Sub.

The D/S relationship needs to maintain balance. For every slap of the hand, swing of the flogger, or stroke of the cane, it needs to be equally counter balanced with a kiss, a hug, a stoke of the hair, and a whisper of a kind word.

A good Dom genuinely wants to see the submissive, grow, and improve as both a person and as a Sub. As such the Dom won’t just use the power granted him/her by the D/S relationship for sexual gains or amusement; they will endeavour to institute rules and instructions that will break bad habits, provide the Sub direction, focus and drive, and generally enrich the life of the Sub.

Not a guide on the one true way: Just some thoughts…….

29Dec/12

Are Kinky Sex Clubs on Campus a Good Idea?

Spanking School Girl

Spanking School Girl

Love it or hate it “Fifty Shades of Grey” has been a catalyst for the explosion of mainstreaming BDSM  subculture.  Mainstreaming can be a good thing.  We are seeing a lot of newcomers to our local community events which is a great. But with an increase of newbs there is an increased need for education and 101 courses.   Let’s face it a bunch of  ‘Twilight’ fans tied up and ready for spanking without prior knowledge of protocols, general safety and boundaries is a recipe for disaster/abuse.

So are kinky sex clubs on college campuses a good idea?   Care2.com has a great article that asks this very question? What do you think? Please share with us!

You can find the Care2.com article here: http://www.care2.com/causes/are-kinky-sex-clubs-on-college-campuses-a-good-idea.html#ixzz2GMT0HxjJ

 

26Oct/12

The Kid in the Candy Shop: A Note for BDSM Newbies

CandyStore by Eric M. Martin

Candy Store by Eric M. Martin

Copyrighted material Used with Permission of the author all rights reserved

by Chris Carroll aka Book

Alright kids… time to have a little talk you and I. Just sit still a second and listen to this because what I’m telling you isn’t out of lording or thinking I’m better or older or even wiser because absolutely none of that shit is true. I am no expert in anything except my own story and I am going to tell you a bit of my story because I think it might be able to help. So you’ve come out. You’ve realized that not only do you like some things that are questionable and kinky but you’ve come to realize through this website and through events and stuff that not only are there other people who like this stuff… some of those people are fucking HOT. Like, holy fucking hell! You say more tits and ass at one party then you had all through puberty and this really cute such and such actually talked to you, mostly naked, about how on occasion she closes her eyes and bites her lip and likes to pretend she’s getting raped. HOLY FUCK MAN.

Welcome to the Candy Store. The next few weeks of your life are going to be one of the toughest of your life. I wish you well. I hope you do better in these few weeks then I did because, well… I’ve never been much of one for willpower. It has taken me years to learn self control. It has taken me years to fight off an addiction to sex and submission and power and control. You’ve stepped through one hell of a rabbit hole and you’re just begining to realize that all te stuff that used to make you think a deviant and a freak and (in my case a possible sociopathic criminal) are actually not all that uncommon. There are others like you. They call themselves a community. They throw parties. You can learn from others, you can meet girls or boys who want to play with you… this girl was just talking to me in a bustier and nothing else about how she sometimes like rape. This girl must be soooooo fucking dtf. Like, wow man…

And that’s where I, and a whole lot of other people, screwed up right at the start. We torpedoed ourselves for the candy store. There was so much there, so much available. I was friendly and reasonably good looking and I could talk a good game so… yeah. This is gonna be great!

In the mid nineties a man that I will love to my dying day took me by the throat and dragged me the fuck out of the community. He saw what I was doing and he had had enough. I was playing with everyone I could convince to come to my house. I was booty calling like a fucking mad man. My friends, those that hung around, refer to that stage of my life as the Irish Slut Boy year and both they and I are fucking amazed I am still alive today from some of the shit I was doing. So my Master pulled me away and decided that I needed to learn a few fundamentals of a healthy lifestyle and community. He collared me for a short term of service in his house. He made me start from the bottom and work my way up. He taught me just about everything I know about kink and service and even a hell of a lot about common decency, manners, respect and love for your fellow kinksters.

Here is what it boils down to…

It is a candy store, but it is one of those high end candy stores where you can look but you really shouldn’t be slobbering over someone else’s chocolate.

Yes, sometime kink and sex cross paths. Lots of the time. But (and this is the golden rule for babydoms and I swear to god the only thing that makes me want to smack em) YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION THE AFTER EFFECTS OF PLAY. Yes, its easy to scene with strangers. They get what tey want and you get what you want. But you HAVE to take into consideration this one thing… when you play with power, and submission, and trust to the levels that we by our very basic definitions do you HAVE to accept that there is going to be some attachment. You can’t beat someone into the dirt and then help them up without them wanting to fucking hug you afterwards. Most of the “Drama” that erupts in the scene boils down to this one fact. We don’t always take into consideration just how addictive/dependent we can become to play or to the people who make us play hard.

The absolute best thing you can do is find one partner who likes as much of the same stuff as you do and train with them. Play with them. Learn with them. You can be a couple, you can just be play friends, just spend your time exploring as much as you can with that one person and as you do that take stock of just how much emotional stuff develops between you. THIS IS NOT AN ABERRATION. THIS IS NOT A DOWNER OR A REASON TO DUMP SOMEONE’S ASS. This is the nature of the game.

If you don’t know someone’s head and someone’s heart there is no reason you should be anywhere near someone’s body. Ninety percent of the game, the turn on, the build up (the stuff that makes this INTENSE AND WORTHWHILE and not just random pick up fun) comes from the attachments casual sex players toss off. Don’t fall into the same trap I did.

Yes, there is lots of pretty. Pretty is fun to look at. Pretty is fun to flirt with. But trust me… its so much better when you let it grow to be more then that.

Find someone you like who has some stuff in common and work on making a dynamic between the two of you. Even if its even something like three simple rules that get enforced by one bare bottom smack.

See how fast it grows into something bigger, better and staggeringly intense.

Trust me.

I’ve fucked up royal. I’ve wrecked people and wrecked myself. Had my master not pulled me out when he had I probably would have contracted a bunch of STDs and wrecked a bunch of lives. I’ve blown off people seriously into me because they were seriously INTO me and I just thought they were kinky lays.

Welcome to the Candy Store.

Please don’t piss on the floor as badly as I did.

SIDE NOTE:

I once asked my Master, on my last day of service when I was allowed to dress properly and sit at the table and have a meal with him why he had done it. I asked why he had bothered. I mean, I was younger and in much better shape and at the time very much an anal slut and a bit of a bottom. I knew that on some level I had served him well and pleased him well physically and, after a few beginning mishaps, I kept his house running in good order. But all the other stuff, the history of the community and all the interpersonal relationship instructions. He didn’t have to teach me any of that stuff. But he had anyway. So I asked him. And he told me that he wanted me to realize two things and only two things as I left his service and his house. I COULD NOT make kink my life. It is not a goal or a career or an ambition and yet it plays with so many addictive elements that it could easily destroy you. Lets face it… its a fucking drug. We play with euphoria and ecstasy and endorphin rushes similar to the most extreme sports. Add a healthy amount of sex in with cool parties and yes… the life can wreck you. So he had to make sure I didn’t kill myself with it because, to quote, I like your pretty face. He also said that getting on in years he was growing to appreciate the Grandfather clause of being an elder… in that I would leave and some day I would take a submissive of my own and teach her. And she would move on and teach someone else. And so on, and so forth. I felt that for the first time today actually… weird coincidence. A girl that I very much adore has moved on. She is now strong and knows gads more about this stuff then I do and she now has a new play mate and they are learning from each other and I can tell just from looking at them, that they are going to be mighty and amazing. I brought her out, she brought him out. The grandfather clause. For the first time ever I seem to be okay with Sughra calling me Grandpa. Actually, no. But still…

He changed my life. I miss him very much.

I hope this helps some of you as you take those first steps. Step lightly. But step sure.

Love you all.

 

26Oct/12

Killing Uhura (The Next Generation): Communications in Kinks

Star Trek's UhuraCopyrighted material Used with Permission of the author all rights reserved

by Chris Carroll aka Book

The single hardest thing we have to do in any relationship is talk. Ever notice that? In the first days you just can’t shut up when near each other. You drop bomb shell after bomb shell and the other person is so entranced and so into you that they just process all that information because they’re building up their concept of you in their head and they are hungry for every tid bit they can get. This is the honeymoon period of every relationship. Add that to the pulse pounding excitement of the first time you do anything and everything together and you’ve a perfect storm of love and affection. I love the starts of things almost as much as my cathatic soul loves when things end (I’m all about the rebuilding… taking the stones of the cathedral and turning them into… oh… a pub).

But what happens when you lose the ability to talk? I fell asleep last night listening to some relationship guru yattering away on talk radio and she said something I must have read a thousand times in a thousand different books over the years. Those who are happiest in this world are those who never lose the ability to communicate both with total strangers or the people they love the most. Good communication improves every single aspect of your life. What is “Community Drama” other then two people who need to just sit the fuck down and have a conversation with each other being too pig headed to do it and gathering their friends on their “Side”? You stop talking and nine times out of ten you start keeping secrets. Nine times out of ten you start feeling guilty. Nine times out of ten you knock the first stones out of the bridge between you.

So why the fuck do we do it? Why do we kill Uhura?

That’s easy.

1. We did something we’re not proud of and we just don’t want the other person to know. This person is the center of our universe and her opinion of me is the only one that really matters. I don’t think I’d survive seeing disappointment in her eyes.

2. We did something that we know will hurt them and it is absolutely better to spare that, take it on ourselves and bury it fucking deep in a chance to maintain the status quo.

3. We’re said it all before. My stories are getting old. I’m getting boring. What do you say to the person who you can’t charm with words anymore because you used up all your voco-mojo in the first few months of the relationship.

I’m probably missing something but lets face it. Those are the three main ones. I think all of these form around one common miscomprehension. You cannot, and do not, EVER know what the other person is thinking. Even if they were completely and totally born without a poker face, even if you know them so well that you can read every single eye twitch and the emotion that spawns it you don’t know them THAT well. I know that what I have to tell you will hurt you and I know you don’t deserve that and I don’t want you to think less of me because I think nothing but everything of you… and yet… really… do I know how you’re going to react? Do I know how you deal with things. For the first few hours, yes I do. But I have no idea how you’ll process the emotions in the long run. I mean, you could tell me that you just had a fabulous fucking gang bang and squirted all over the place and did all sorts of really awesome things that I had wanted to do with you. Angry? Sure. Jealous? Sure. But do you know the moment when the emotion simmers down and my brain starts working again? Do you know that maybe an hour later that pervy part of myself that gets off on you being naughty will actually start wanting details? Do you know why it is I am wired to NOT feel jealousy for longer then an hour. You’ve heard the story… you’ve heard all my stories but do you know how the mechanics of it works? We always hold back because we assume our partners will take things badly.

The only thing I take badly to are secrets. I am a pretty happy guy. Maybe there is something to that. Or maybe I’m an emotional masochist. Okay, I am totally an emotional masochist but the point remains…. I’d rather know then not.

I had an interesting encounter recently. I ran in to a girl who was so conditioned against fighting, so conditioned against pissing her partner off that she would stop mid sentence whenever her brain flashed that the person she was talking to might react badly. Any attempts to get her to finish her sentence would be rebuked. She self edited to a degree I had never, ever seen before. Kinda common. Who doesn’t self edit on occasion. But I had never seen it quite this bad. It was, to be honest, a tad infuriating. I have only one rule with people I scene with. Don’t snow me. Don’t lie to me. Don’t hold back. If I am doing something wrong I won’t fix it til you tell me. If something makes you uncomfortable, tell me. Hell if my apartment has a bad smell or you just can’t stand the look of my cottage cheese ass anymore… just tell me. Everything can be fixed, and to be honest, after the initial hit we’ll be on much more stable ground. Fixing something can be a good bonding experience.

Hiding something, no matter how stealthy cool you are… not so much.

I digress.

Everyone always says communication is key to a relationship. Makes sense. But it our dynamics it is even more critical then most. I bring this up because there has been a fairly serious lack of communications and negotiations out there. I’m not saying that every little scene should have some sort of written contract but I have seen some stuff go down lately between TOTAL FUCKING STRANGERS that probably shouldn’t have. I’m all for losing myself in the moment but holy crap. What we do is DANGEROUS. I explained it to a friend once that it was more or less an extreme sport… we spend as much time training as athletes, as much time taking lumps and as much energy. I can’t scene without at least one long assed conversation, even months before, where I get the feel of the person I’m playing with. If I’m topping I really want to know what they’re looking for and need out of our time together. I really want to know where the landmines are and how to walk across the graveyard without blowing skeletons out of the Earth. If I’m letting some hot thing tie me up I want to be able to say, with reasonable assuredy, that when I am all spacy they aren’t going to jamming a red hot poker up my ass or taking my head off with a band saw.

“I don’t know… you’re the dom, you choose what we’re doing.”

If I had a nickle for every time I heard that. I’ve actually untied people, put their clothes back on and sent them home to think about what they want. I have. Or to think about what they think Doms are supposed to do because if all their information is coming off the interwebs they’re seriously confused. Go home and think about what you want in this scene. Go fantasize the hottest fucking rape and pillage you can cream to, write it down and send it to me. We’ll do that. Right now all the Dom wants is to know what he can do for the sub.

Which brings me back to the point.

We deal in a lifestyle that pushes limits. Our own and others. We deal in a lifestyle that has its own rules, its own titles, its own protocols and is generally just a shitstorm waiting to happen if you step over someone’s lines. Its a strange and wonderful world and I fucking love it. But I am well armed. If nothing else, I know how to talk to people. Maybe I’ve grown up and gotten old but for me, this whole lifestyle now is about the head. The one on my shoulders. I will get down and dirty with the best of them sure but I want to know what is going on in your head. What makes you feel dirtiest? What makes you feel strongest? Do you prefer aftercare or just a “Wow, Painslut! Well done, get the fuck out!” Kink takes sex and sews it together with a whole bunch of other concepts and this is why I love it. Sex is sex. Yay. Woo. Boring. But sex mixed in with this creepy little dream you used to have that made you feel both scared and naughty at the same time? Then it becomes something else. Then it becomes something special.

For me, its all about that. Layering all these different aspects onto each other. Dealing with your fantasies. Your fears. Your dreams. Shit you’ve never told anyone before that makes your heart hammer in your chest and you’re embarassed to admit and yet…

The idea that you get to do it keeping you wet and distracted for days…

Kink is about creativity and ideas.

All of which can’t happen when you lose the ability to talk.

I don’t care much about how long you’ve been together or how established the roles are. The dynamic is NOT the relationship. The roles are NOT the people. Every now and then you need to re read the old diaries. Every now and then you need to look over the original contracts. Every now and then you need to stop being the Sir, and start being the man. Every now and then you need a day sitting across from each other as equals.

This is going to be the most vanilla thing I will say today. Untie the girl and dress her up pretty. Go to a nice restaurant. Look into her eyes.

And let her talk.

25Oct/12

A Note on Perspective

Copyrighted material Used with Permission of the author all rights reserved

By Chris Carroll aka Book

So I started this thread because this finding a master is kind of like a job interview for me… a life job… this is going to affect everything for me from this day forward and I want to make the right choice but it is hard when they ask all of the questions. How do you judge the quality of a Master if he does not let you speak?”

Simple. He’s a bad one. You have a fucking brain too. If he doesn’t know it he shouldn’t be anywhere near your fucking body.

“I have decided that I am making this my job hunt because this is much, much more important to me.”

Perspective. Please.

It’s sex.

That’s it.

Kinky, perverted, don’t tell your children sex. Especially if it is with someone who doesn’t let you talk. Especially if it is with someone who after two conversations ONLINE has started asking you for access to your financial and criminal records. For some of us, lucky enough to find a decent and I mean this word with all of its weight so I’m writing it with capitals PARTNER, it becomes more. It becomes about fulfilling needs and voids and protecting one another at your most vulnerable and making each other strong. It is about fulfilling a need to serve and it is about being served. It is about needing someone’s arm to guide you and the strength that comes from that and it is about being able to care for someone and provide for them EVERYTHING that they need to be a good and strong person. I give to my subs I don’t fucking take. If you are even remotely considering “Your job” Giving blindly to some fucking asshat then for the love of fuck hurry up and get killed by that there psychopath so I can read someting good in my morning paper.

Look. You need communication. You need to realize that the only people who want simply to control you for the sake of control are people who are going to hurt you simply for the sake of hurt. That is not, and has not ever been, what this shit is all about. Get your lovely little head out of your tight little ass and let me smack some perspective into you because, like I said earlier, I am all about the giving.

If you find someone you can open up to about this stuff… awesome. If you find some like minded playmates… great. If you find someone who you connect with and the more you are with them the more you want to serve them and be their submissive… that is fucking awesome. I even know some couples who make the Master and Slave thing work because they’ve got communication skills that fucking dwarf mine.

But reality check…

IT’S NOT GOING TO FEED YOUR FAMILY

IT’S NOT GOING TO PROVIDE FOR YOUR FUTURE, POWER AN ECONOMY OR KEEP YOU OFF THE FUCKING STREETS.

Perspective.

If I ever lose it, shoot me in the fucking head

(and don’t ever let me read the submissive women’s threads anymore)

25Oct/12

What BDSM Is All About

Copyrighted material Used with Permission of the author all rights reserved

By Chris Carroll aka Book

It has cost me a job. It has cost me relationships. It has cost me a bit of pride and forced me to re-evaluate a lot of things that I have always taken for granted as solid in my world. This is okay. This is how I live. This is how I will live from now on because I don’t think I can ever go back to vanilla. This is why. This is what it’s all about…

…it’s about anticipation, that feeling you get when you know you’re about to do something you’ve longed for all of your days, or not longed, ACHED for. A way to be touched and that feeling of euphoria that comes when you’ve found someone who knows how to touch in that way; it’s about not being able to concentrate at work, your mind falling back to the fantasy you had last night when you were alone and trying to sleep and how your little fingers played your body thinking that the fantasy might actually come true; it’s about the run home, the long preperatory shower; picking panties and clothes that are going to make him just DIE; sitting on your hands on the sofa while he sits facing you, hands on your knees holding them apart, whispering his lips so close to your ear…

…it’s about surprise. It’s about things you’ve never thought of, never imagined, never dreamed you could do or worse, even be into. You are standing with your forehead to the wall, your shirt and bra strap worked down over your shoulders, barely on, the button of your jeans open, fly down, panties showing standing there with your eyes closed and he is standing close behind you. You’ve lived here YEARS. Never once did you ever think, especially when you first saw that wall, that you would be standing against it… skin to it… clothes almost falling off… wanting this man to touch you wanting to know what comes next wanting wanting wanting… almost screaming when his lips brush your neck, lips cover teeth, teeth bite… give me your neck to kiss or my teeth will take it. The fist that lands so close to your face startling you, making you fall back against his body… being gently pushed back up against the wall. For that transgression these pants are forfeit… it’s about how wet you get, standing there in your corner with your cute little ass exposed and how you NEVER EVER thought you could get into this.

…it’s about secrets, and fantasies, and the limits you put on yourself. it’s about the naughty little things you’ve always kept locked away in the back of your head… I can’t list them, I’m only still learning of them myself. But you know what they are. you know about how you feel the gambit of emotions around all of them, sometimes ashamed, sometimes amused, sometimes very very aroused. It’s about how they make you feel slutty and how that slutty makes you feel strong. It’s about how they make you feel dirty and how that dirty version of yourself is really kind of hot and you wish you could be her more often because she doesn’t take shit from anybody. It’s about the second life, the soul, that little image of ourselves that we have locked away and that only slips out when we’re on our knees with a cock in our mouth or getting fucked stupidly in a way we shouldn’t be; when we stop being us and start being about the act. We go for a smoke break and the understudy comes to the stage and my god you wish you could be more like her sometimes. It’s about shining a light in the closet, pulling her out and giving her a good once over and realizing, once and for all, that you’re the same person. Let her back in and be better, fuller, more honestly YOU for it.

…it’s about your fears. It’s about thinks that scare you and facing them down. Pain is scary. Being tied up and left in the hands of someone with evil designs on you is scary. It’s about the feeling you get when you face those fears, fight em for an entire scene, and emerge on the other side. It’s about what doesn’t even go through your head when you are tied down on that table. It’s not about the knife tracing so deadly along your flesh or the hand around your throat or how many times you come close to unconsciousness. It’s not about the fire that erupts on your skin or the needles or even the unblinking staring face that is without any hint of emotion as the cock rapes you. It’s about the fact that you are doing this, you are facing this with someone that you trust and when you get passed this hands will be holding you up, helping you rise, and you will never fear these things again. Take a beating, a good hard beating followed by being tied up and fucked at knife point by someone who loves you and NO ONE will EVER be able to bullshit you again.

…it’s about trust. It’s about trusting someone enough to be able to let go completely with them. No worries, no fears, no secrets, no lies. It’s about knowing that for the length of the scene, the moment, the relationship whatever… for the length of time that you are connected you can trust this person with your life. You don’t need to hide anything from them. They are going to peel away your clothes, peel away your worries, peel away all the things that clog up your filters and keep the REAL you hidden. Sure scenes can be scary, but you can face it because underneath all the emotions layered on top of you during a scene… playing to your fear, your embarrassment, humiliation, whatever your game all of that is piled onto trust. You trust that these hands that slap you, this man that makes you sit there, naked, spreading your pussy in a room full of people for everyone to see, these hands that beat you will also caress you and also hold you and lift you. It’s about trust. Even the simplest trust of a promise… you do well girl and I will give you an orgasm that will make your eyes roll back into your head. you don’t do what I tell you and you are going to stay tied up in this scary dark place forever. It’s about trusting someone enough to feel free with them. complete and total freedom.

…it’s dirty. It’s BAD. It’s about being knocked down, and down, and stepped on while you’re down there. It’s about all pretension and fakeness being shaken off of you, old ideas and misconceptions that need to be torn from you sometimes violently. It’s about beatings and floggings and dragon tails and violet wands. It’s about pain and the endorphins pain release. It’s about going down down down as far as you can go. It’s about hitting a wall and thinking oh good jesus I can’t possibly take any more of this and then being pushed past it. then you’re stunned that you’re in this new place and a new wall comes and you cry out please fuck no anything but and you’re past that one now too. It’s about sitting on a couch, held, warm, at the end of a scene and being told exactly what happened. No love, you were on that cross for three hours. no dear, the bruises will probably show up tomorrow. I was beating on you for three hours. You cried. You begged. I told you to shut up and you did. And you know what… you survived. You are so much fucking stronger then anyone has ever given you credit for and I swear to god if you get down on yourself EVER again for being weak I will remind you of exactly what happened here tonight. Not weak. Strong. So fucking strong. I am so fucking proud of you. There are no words. Well done baby. Good fucking job.

…it’s about sex. No, really. It is. I’ve heard all the arguments against this. Hell i just wrote most of them. But let’s be honest here if in no other place, honest here if with no other people then with each other and ourselves. It’s about sex. Put your hand around a willing sub’s neck and two things happen… they drift a little, that dirty inner self comes out a bit and they get turned on. I get more of an erection from firmly holding someone by the shoulders then I do watching a good strip tease. I’ve heard the club rules and agree with them… you can’t do a rape scene without rape, sure and maybe not everyone wants to see you getting your naughty on. I get that too. But let’s not kid ourselves. You dream about being fucked while tied down. You dream about being powerless to a group of rough handed thick cocked men who make you do degrading things and use you for nothing else then there own sexual pleasure. You get wet at the thought. That’s sexual. I get hard at the idea of fucking hand cuffed girls. I get hard at the idea someone tied up on their knees in front of me. That’s sexual. Okay… maybe if it’s not about sex, how about we cut the difference and say there is certainly a sexual element to it? I can go out into public and do public scenes but nine times out of ten whoever my playmate is will be coming home with me and getting fucked six ways of Tuesday because, well frankly, I can’t think of a better reward then orgasms

…it’s about honesty. About complete honesty. Of facing one another with nothing hiding. And about accepting that. And taking that person’s hand regardless.