Category Archives: BDSM

General BDSM

09Mar/15

Negotiations Are Over But….

Negotiate

Negotiate

By Gamer UK

We all know about negotiation, right? That aspect of pre-play where we talk to our (prospective) play partners about what we want, or need, what we’re ok with doing and what is off limits, and they do the same so we can find a mutually agreeable middle-ground.

But after that, when we’re playing, or have evolved into a relationship of some sort (and this includes any power exchange dynamic really, with the probable exception of Owner/Property..), we need to remember and stick with what we agreed were the Limits. Those details we’ve agreed to tend to set the way things unfold, and are more than just the result of our negotiation. The terms are a contract between two or more people. They are an visible display of our integrity (or lack of it).

We can all occasionally be guilty of not keeping our word, and most times the result is a little discontentment but no real harm done. However, when the context is that of a power exchange dynamic and you fail to maintain your word, or keep pushing at someones boundaries and hard limits in order to get something you want (after it’s been explicitly negotiated that ‘whatever’ isn’t going to happen) then you are most likely a monstrous Douche! It really, really isn’t acceptable to push, cajole, intimidate, bully, belittle or coerce play partners into doing something they don’t want to do.

And let’s talk about the old Lie about ‘stretching your limits’. When someone tells you that, and you didn’t agree to it.. grab your shit and run! Expanding each others horizons & capabilities is part of our kink growth and people do it all the time… in a supportive way; mostly within a relationship; with aftercare and after talking it over; and after having it agreed to.

It’s hard enough finding people you trust with your safety and sanity, without then feeling like you’re constantly having to stand your ground to maintain the terms they previously agreed to. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known each other either. Other than a mid-scene re-negotiation (this is ‘bad form’ because if endorphin’s have kicked in from subspace/top space, etc you aren’t always capable of coherent, rational thought) it’s ok to ask at a later negotiation session for something you previously wanted in an earlier play session but which your partner refused for whatever reason. Note: it may still not happen!

People and circumstances change and as you build trust and establish your credibility regarding your skills & ability. Something we wouldn’t allow/attempt 6 months ago may be OK to try after getting to know your play-partner(s) more. Sex is the example that most often comes to mind. If a partner tells you ‘No penetration’ , or ‘I don’t feel that kind of connection’ and you’re always trying to fuck them every time you play, they’re going to leave your sorry ass in the dirt at some point, no matter how awesome your kink skills are. Also remember that constantly asking for something which repeatedly remains a solid ‘No, not interested’ is another epic way to sour what you do have.

Arguably the best path is to make it clear you want to discuss the relationship, sit down and do just that. However, just trying to manipulate a situation or person, to bully, belittle or press them without giving them the opportunity to negotiate for something they want in return, and without honoring the terms set makes you (at least) borderline abusive.

Food for thought? I hope so.

16Aug/13

Intent vs Intentions

good intentions

Good Intetions

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

by GamerUK

(c) August 2013 All Rights Reserved

I keep thinking about Intent vs. Intentions because, in my mind, these are a huge integral part of BDSM, and yet can be quite difficult to describe during discussion or negotiation, Especially if you haven’t thought about it much previously. I finally decided to simplify things~from my perspective~as much as possible.

‘Intentions’ are what we want to do, or are trying to accomplish.

Intent is ‘Why’ we are doing those things.

As kinky folks, we do some interesting things and we tend to talk about what we enjoy, and what we’d like to give/do to, or receive from, others. We talk about dribbling wax in various ways, about suspension in rope. We discuss inflicting pain with floggers, crops, whips, or maybe being required to dress in a specific manner (cissification, costume play, adult baby/diaper lover).

It’s not as common to discuss ‘Why’ we want to do something with another person, even when we’re negotiating with them. For many of us, just discussing what we want to do with our partner is enough. For those of us that enjoy sensation play, just getting to participate in giving or receiving can be its’ own justification. We enjoy different sensations. Some of us enjoy being in control, or being controlled to various degrees. It can be 24/7, a bedroom/play activity or something we need at various points in our life.

I have found that explaining my Intent, the ‘why’ I want to do something, a plan I want to implement, often leads to a better understanding between myself and others. It doesn’t always help get agreement on my terms, but its’ a great way to steer everyone who consents towards the same goal. I think sometimes we don’t discuss the reason behind pursuing our kink activities because we don’t want to leave ourselves vulnerable to ridicule or rejection because of the ‘Why’.

I love explaining the intent behind things with people I trust & want to build trust with. Telling someone ‘you’re really attractive’ and that I’d like to have them over my knee and spank them is a good opening for negotiation (though not real classy). I find it much better to follow up as part of negotiation with ‘because it arouses me to see a gorgeous woman’s backside turn the colour of a ripe peach’. It explains my motivations.

Sure you don’t need the flowery wording, but explaining the ‘Why’ can be a powerful part of negotiation. When you can explain the ‘why’ of what you want to do or explore, you are opening yourself up to your partners, which can be a great trust building aspect of any discussions you have.

However, more than a trust building tool, the Intent of any scene can be more important than any actual play. The Intent can be cathartic, it can be therapeutic, it can be simply for stress relief, it can be to work towards personal growth. I’ve seen, and heard, folks use BDSM activities as a tool for getting in touch with their Spirituality, and/or as a vehicle for performing ‘sex magic’. Sitting down and discussing the reasoning about why a series of actions should, or needs to, happen is a damn good way of helping to get what you need and want, in the manner that will work best to achieve that end for all involved.

It’s a reason I actively try to discuss Intent rather than just my desired intentions.

Oh, and doing something just because it arouses you and or your partner(s) is definitely an extremely valid reason too!

16Aug/13

Thoughts on BDSM Lifestyle and 24/7

I Yam What I Yam!

I Yam What I Yam!

by SweetGeekGoddess

(c) April 2011

“I Yam what I Yam” ~ Popeye

Gamer and I had an interesting discussion the other day about the several interpretations of a 24/7 BDSM relationship. The discussion began as it often does from various posts on Fetlife. We had both been reading posts that were discussing the difficulties of living the “lifestyle” 24/7. Neither of us subscribe or feel comfortable with a great deal of protocols in our lives and our relationship. As a submissive I am permitted a great many liberties that from what I understand from the writings and discussion with more formal households would be either punished outright or not allowed. I also have been asked many times how I reconcile my stubborn spunky nature with my desire to be submissive. I have been accused many times from more formal Dominants of being a ‘Toppy Little Bitch’ and I am sure Gamer has been asked on more than one or two occasions why he tolerates such behavior from me.

Some of the questions we get asked are: Do Gamer and I live the lifesyle 24/7? How do we manage our ‘vanilla’ life with that of our BDSM lifestyle? How do we integrate the two? For myself, I think the key here is an understanding and acceptance of self. Let me elaborate.

I have no doubt that I am a service submissive. I am naturally inclined to give of my talents and skills to those who have earned my admiration and respect. When I love you, whether as partner and/or friend I adopt you in my mind and heart as belonging to me. Thus, you become my responsibility to take care of and serve. I do this without thinking, at a visceral emotional level as naturally as breathing. For me, this is not a role I adopt a few times a week for shits and giggles. This is literally who and what I am. I accept this as part of my nature and how I identify as a person. If you were to meet me , you would discover a plump menopause queen, sharp tongued, quick witted, quick to laugh and very direct. I don’t call a spade a spade, I call a spade a fucking shovel. If you can’t handle the heat get the hell out of the kitchen.

Gamer is a sadist pure and simple. I can vouch for the fact that watching me squirm in pain coupled with orgasm makes his dick hard. He is pretty damn creative with what he comes up with in the ways to alternatively and sometimes simultaneously torture and pleasure me. He is dominant without a question, very protective and when he chooses to lay down the law, there is no doubt in my mind who is in charge. He worked law enforcement for many years and I can tell by the set of his jaw and the look in his eye where the limits are. He has a dark and devious mind. He is as subtle as I am direct. If you were to meet him in person you would find a handsome, affable, jolly Englishman with an easy laugh, a somewhat lazy demeanor, very personable and infinitely likable. Gamer’s sadism is as much a part of who he is as his easy laugh and love of a good beer.

We don’t have many formal protocols within our dynamic, we don’t have a list of rituals that we go through to find our head space. We don’t live the ‘lifestyle’ and we don’t distinguish between ‘vanilla’ and our BDSM. What we do, is live our lives with who we are with truth and acceptance. We do that 24/7, 365 days a year no matter how we label it or attempt to define it. Gamer is a mean fucker and a sadist and I am a submissive woman period. That is not contradicted when I demand good service at the grocery store or shift into overdrive to run an efficient household while working full-time in a demanding career. Gamer is no less a sadist and a Dominant when he chooses to delegate the day-to-day running of things to me. Not being big on micromanagement, Gamer gives me a great deal of leeway to do as I see fit, trusting that I will put his needs first and foremost.

Gamer is my Dominant, he is my Master, he is my Governor and the love of my life. I don’t need Gorean-like rituals and protocols to make that true or to serve him better. By being himself he inspires my love, my devotion and my service. One look from him can silence me instantly. One touch can have me kneel at his feet literally and/or figuratively. It matters little if we are dealing with our day-to-day lives amongst the ‘vanilla’ or in the bedroom. We are who we are.

We are Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, Daddy/girl. When we accept that about ourselves we no longer need the protocols, categories or labels such as ‘24/7’ or ‘BDSM lifestyle’ to make that true. We simply are who we are.

31Jul/13

The Morgana Scrolls: Journeys Of Enslavement And Freedom

Morgana Scrolls by Hannah Carrigan

Morgana Scrolls by Hannah Carrigan

Book Review by SweetGeekGoddess

(c) July 2013

“The Morgana Scrolls: Journeys Of Enslavement And Freedom” by Hannah Corrigan  is a darkly beautiful story of abuse and redemption.  The prose is both lyrical and magical transporting the reader into the tormented soul of a young woman whose journey out of the abyss of child abuse is both heart wrenching  and beautiful.

The sixteen-year-old  dancer rhia is enslaved by the Dragon-clan, a cult like BDSM group whose protocols are based on Gorean methodology.  Detached from her core identity  from years of abuse, rhia is targeted for rescue by another BDSM clan. Her struggles to recapture her core self are so well written, they read like tragic poetry both beautiful and sad.  Corrigan’s treatise on consent via her character Master James outlines some of the best principles for consent based BDSM I have ever read.  Corrigan  delivers her sermon powerfully, vividly and memorably.

This novella should come with some trigger warnings as it may generate emotional triggers in those who have suffered abuse.  Also, if you are used to a steady Hershey cheap chocolate diet of erotic pulp fan fiction you won’t find much in the way of masturbation fodder here.  Instead what you will find is very well written dark smooth expensive Belgian chocolate prose that melts on your heart the way you only find in good literature.

If you are fan of ’50 Shades of Grey’ you will be sorely disappointed in the novel.  If you are a well read BDSM practitioner who enjoys fine literature in addition to  a well placed flogger you will not be disappointed.  I myself, am looking  forward with much anticipation to the next installment.

29Jul/13

Playing Well With Others

PlayingWellWithOthersBook Review by SweetGeekGoddess

(c) July 2013

“Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Navigating and Exploring the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities” by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams is a well written well thought out ‘how to’ on navigating the BDSM communities.  It dishes out well thought out strategies on how to play nicely in a myriad of different situations, gives fabulous advice on negotiation and relationships and all handed to you in a fun playful manner.   Lee and Mollena don’t disappoint in giving not only the brand spanking new kinkster great tips on discovering their kink but give great tips to those who wear Master’s caps.

From walking brand new into your first play party, to online interaction to how to identify a cult. These two have covered it all without being preachy.  Excellent read!

You can purchase your own copy at Amazon.com HERE.

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24Jul/13

Struggles of the Dominant Identity: Good Doms Don’t Cry

Photo by Unknown

Photo by Unknown

 

 

by Jacean Mikhael

(c) July 2013 All Rights Reserved This article is the sole property of the author and CAN NOT be reprinted in any format without express written permission of the author.

A quote that always struck me from Great Gatsby has been floating in my head for quite a while now – “The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.” I understand that quote quite a bit more personally these days.

When I started writing this article, I began with something else entirely. It was to be an introspective look at the struggles of total power exchange relationships. I found myself getting to a deeply emotional and unhappy place, having just a short time prior had multiple relationships of many years end in quick succession. Along with this came the added loss of the child I had raised as my daughter for a number of those years in the process. It was a difficult place to be in, to be forced to deal with the loss of loved ones and the world you had created torn asunder. It left me with countless attempts to go through all my mental math, self-examining over and over again like a madman at the chalkboard, trying to determine what was the variable that had caused these cataclysmic events to occur. I always came back to the answer I knew I would before I even began. I consider it my Oppenheimer moment. At the end, the primary variable that was consistent was “me”.

Fun times. I had to really sit down with myself and determine all the things I didn’t like about how I had been living my life, and how to go about changing them and that classic Whedonism rang true in my head...“Remember to Always Be Yourself. Unless You Suck.” Of course, as with any relationship, there is usually enough blame to share, enough fingers to point in every direction. Sadly the awareness of the faults, flaws and failings of another will do nothing to change our own lives. Instead we must focus the attention towards finding and fixing our problems. What is it they say? Trying your hardest to blow out another man’s candle won’t make your own burn any brighter. The ending of relationships are good for that type of inward reflection though. It’s in those moments you spontaneously gain this magnificent, deep understanding of the entire world around you that somehow had been completely unseen just moments prior. The most major realization of all, is having to really take stock of how much I had been emotionally unwell, and even now, months later, I am not emotionally where I would prefer. Mental health is a constant balance and one which must always be accounted for. I never really put much stock into my own emotions, even my own physical health usually was pushed off to the sidelines in an effort to care for those around me to the point where my blood work came back looking like I had been living in a third world country. Eventually, I had worn myself so thin there was nothing left. I had tapped every reserve, I had drained every reservoir, I had emptied the last can from my pantry… and then in the end, I was empty.

So how did I get here? Well, to start, I am the child of a military father. Things like emotions weren’t ever placed in high regard in a household which thought any emotion other than anger was cause for immediate deflection or retaliation. Emotions were “manipulative”, and should be punished accordingly. Where my upbringing might have left me a bit short-changed, sadly nothing else in my every day environment had really stepped up to the plate either while in my formative or even adult years. In the world we live, especially for self-identified dominant males in this society, we are often rife with the side effects of societal toxic masculinity* . This is the incessant nature of society – to tell men their value is based on their power, their achievements or accomplishments, their “wealth” or “strength”. This is how we are judged every day. Weakness, frailty, even basic human emotions are often held with such disregard and disdain we are conditioned to never allow ourselves to express our feelings, or if we do fall short, immediately feel guilty for doing so.

Now, as the cherry on top, let’s add the complications of a subculture based around your ability to personify that strength. This idealization of masculinity is the most common basis through which power is exchanged and roles are defined. So, the same power which society judges us on is also among the same things a potential submissive partner desires. What makes them look up with respect? Being that strong, powerful person who has their life together, who is able to show through their own actions and life choices that they exemplify a strong alpha personality, brimming with self-control and self-awareness. As the narcissist that I am, I always strive to be the best I am at whatever I do – being the most Alpha of Alpha males, like I had walked right out of a 1950’s advertisement for shaving cream as Don Draper holding a copy of Justine. Eventually I had just scripted my life so perfectly I rarely ever exited my “role”. I was living the dream. But, no matter how long you sleep, eventually we will always wake up.

This constant pissing match in the “community”, as it were, only instigates it further with our regular shows of bravado and machismo. Being anything less than the idealized version of a Dom or Top was to leave you lackluster and unappealing to a potential mate. So, aspiring dominant personality types fall back to the concept “you shall be master of none until you have mastered yourself” and to be frank here, it is still something I believe in conceptually. What place have I to dictate the will or future of another if my own life is at discord by my own hands? What does it show of my ability to lead an underling to a more prosperous future if I cannot even lead myself there? The question becomes then, what is the basis with which we are to compare ourselves in self-mastery? Must my body look like a body builder or a gymnast? Must my stock portfolio be perfectly well rounded and my savings ample? Must I have reached the pinnacle of my career in my chosen field? In this economy, what if I don’t even have a job? What if I could still stand to lose a few pounds, or how about a hundred even? I believe that you should have your life in order. That I will stand by but the specifics of the rest are a lot harder for anyone other than one’s self to really determine. If you wouldn’t feel comfortable taking on the responsibility of a pet given your current life situation, you certainly might want to think about holding off on starting that new service contract. Just saying…

One thing to understand moving forward, is regardless of your chosen role, you need self-control. Self-control does not mean everything in our life is without struggle or complication, but rather we have set the bar to our own standards and we must hold ourselves accountable to them. Beyond that, the rest is simple reality – it is only by both parties understanding a power exchange relationship is just like any other relationship. You are two, or more, broken people attempting to enter into an arrangement with someone who is inherently flawed, regardless of which role, gender, position or title you might hold. People sometimes forget in the moment, power exchange is about control and control goes both ways. A submissive partner can only give over control if they have it over themselves, but likewise a dominant partner in this situation only has the ability to utilize the amount of control given.

For the most part, people are going to try to do their best. The issue here is what happens when the path is wrong? When all the math you have done in your head is based on faulty logic and results in an unavoidable collapse? Is it more important they adhere to your authority, or that the best case scenario is achieved? If you chose the former to the latter than you have some serious questions to start asking yourself. So, yeah, you get it, we all make mistakes, but what about when neither party intentionally makes a mistake and something just happens? What about the devastating or at the very least life-altering aftermath of an event that fundamentally transforms or hinders the capabilities or expectations of the people involved, such as; pregnancy, terminal or chronic illness, onset of disability, an accident, a bout with mental illness, the tragedy of the loss of mutual partner, or one partner’s loved one or any number of other spontaneous acts of chaos fate likes to throw.

We all eventually hit those brick walls while we are attempting to move ever steadily forward, sometimes rather spontaneously, and often with no awareness whatsoever we are stopped or irrevocably hindered. In those moments we have no option but to pause, reevaluate, and proceed on a new path accordingly. It is a true trial, for those in a power exchange dynamic to deal with these situations. So often our submissives, and especially new submissives, will look to their dominant partner in these moments in the manner in which they’ve been conditioned. As the source of solace and solutions throughout the relationship, the submissive partner often will place their dominant upon a pedestal. They raise them to an almost godlike position of power in which nearly anything they do is infallible. The shattering break happens when they realize their partner is in fact human, their partner has faults, and their partner may fail. It is at that time these relationships really begin to genuinely struggle. The submissive entered into this dynamic, seeking guidance, and now they are losing their faith. When their faith starts to disappear, the lengths to which ones submissive partner might go tends to shrink concurrently.

For me, it was always the most heartbreaking moment as a dominant to have to look into the eyes of my submissive while they stare back at me, completely aware both of us are powerless to change the current situation. During which, the submissive endures the sadness of not being able to make you better, along with the fear and disorientation that if their dominant can’t fix it, who can? As the dominant partner, you have the internalized guilt and stigma of being “weak” in front of your partner, to be fully aware this was your ship to steer and you just hit an iceberg. Perhaps you can even console yourself that it was due to no direct action of your own, but regardless, you are still the captain of a now-sinking ship. You still have to cope with the release of emotion and the shell shock that all your love, hope and wishes can’t prevent the waters from rising. You just want to change things…. but you already have. What is to be determined still by the course of action that follows is whether it is going to make things better or worse. Whenever you share a depth of emotion with a partner who has love for you, there is no leaving this scenario unaltered or unaffected. It is often out of love and compassion people find each other, it is what pushes us ever forward and further… but love and compassion alone are not enough to sustain to a relationship.

This moment, as hard as it is, can also be a moment of beauty and intimacy, to be able to allow yourself to break down those walls and let your partner see your humanity. There are few things more potent to a submissive partner than the tears of their dominant partner. Now I have to be direct – it is a hard fact to accept for people like myself; being vulnerable in front of your partner is not a weakness, but a strength. Allowing them to see that aspect of your humanity can do wonders; and, truth be told, you should have been doing it all along. Now don’t take this as a recommendation to act without logic or analytical thinking and resorting to irrational outbursts. Instead attempt to be freer with your emotions and use that willingness to proactively have those hard talks where you sit down and express your feelings and allow it to benefit both of you. I know, it sounds horrible and sometimes it really is, but hopefully in the process you can foster an environment in which your submissive will feel comfortable sharing their emotions with you as well. It is out of that same love and compassion that keeps people together that also insists we not burden others with our problems and sets us up for failure. You will start to gain an openness where you are sharing those feelings hardest for you which you might otherwise have been hiding, perhaps even from yourself. In order to get there it takes trust and faith on both ends and an ability to communicate with out the fear of hurting feelings or getting in trouble.

I challenge others reading this to understand, if you desire to have a long lasting, functioning and healthy relationship, openness wins out over stoicism every time. Even with the best of intention behind it, hiding from your partner will still cause damage, they don’t need to hear the words come from your lips to be hurt by them. When you do not share honestly with your partner you are doing a disservice to both of you and providing your partner with a false representation of reality in which things are fine or acceptable when they are not is not only being dishonest it is also ensuring things will not get better. A sustainable relationship requires this commitment to open communication from both ends, without fear of how you might be negatively affected, so when your partner does share with you, try not to react – try to listen. Understand the basic point that feelings are never wrong, whether they are yours or theirs – it does not matter if why they feel this way is illogical, or even factually inaccurate. Reality doesn’t matter to our feelings, but our feelings will shape our realities; so proceed accordingly, knowing we have now stepped out of the world of black and white, right or wrong, and into those yield-less shades of gray. Of special mention for submissive partners who might fear punishment or other repercussions for expressing themselves, realize if you have never made yourself clear and spoken with clarity and certainty that something is an issue, you can’t have the expectation your dominant partner should just know something is wrong. Most people will inherently just believe things are okay unless they hear otherwise. Also if either of you are expressing a serious concern, address it as such, being sheepish or avoidant serves benefit to no one. The assumption of mind reading is a coffin nail to so many relationships with guilt laid on the shoulders of dominant and submissive alike.

Now what do you do if you find yourself in a relationship which has been damaged? First and foremost, regardless of the reason, you have to both make a conscious choice if you are going to work on fixing it; because one person alone, no matter how hard they try can’t do it. It will take all parties involved to be committed to do whatever it takes for it to work. You have to be willing to fight for it and have the decisiveness to give it your all. Live in the present and not the past, and don’t waste time playing a blame game that isn’t going to solve anything. Set realistic expectations and don’t go into it blindly thinking restoration and healing will be easy. A close friends father told him “a relationship isn’t 50/50 its 100/100” and I think truer words were never said.

Sadly some people simply aren’t compatible and no matter how much work both parties do, they will never endure, at least not in a way that is healthy for both parties. To those that do decide to part ways, attempt to do so amiably and try to keep in mind that you did love this person once and you had legitimate and valid reasons for doing so. For most relationships though, while salvaging a relationship will take considerable time and resources it is worth it. Every relationship will struggle and if you’re just starting another repeating the same behaviors is setting yourself up for failure. Having a lasting relationship is less about finding the perfect person and more about the determination to stay together and work through the problems rather than the easier option of just walking away. It’s no surprise that so many relationships crumble once they hit this point if there isn’t a willingness to sacrifice.

We live in a world which conditions us to simply replace what is “broken” and that it takes too much effort to repair what you already have. In these moments of intense emotion, pain and fear people often forget that people are not interchangeable material goods despite how we might treat them. People too often put more importance on the role than on who is fulfilling it. It is easy enough to find someone to fulfill a similar role but you can never replace a person and you will never get the same relationship. People aren’t their roles and understanding that moving forward will help. Instead, focus on what makes them special and on what brought you both together rather than where they fell short or didn’t match up with the picture of them that we created in our minds. Clear up the confusion and make sure that needs and wants of both parties are clearly communicated. Usually it is early expectations we enter into relationships having of one another about what that role is supposed to be that eventually leads us to conflict and could have been easily avoided with a bit of directness.

So I’m not going to end this with a bullshit mantra that you have heard a thousand times, instead I will just say this; life has a way of giving you what you need and not what you want and sometimes those lessons are very hard. As they say, “you pays your money and you takes your chances”. You have no option other than to just keep on moving forward trying to make sense of a senseless world, and do whatever is in your power to make today a better day than yesterday. We have one shot at this whole life thing, regardless of what comes after, this is our only time in this life. Right here and right now, your options are to just sit back and wait until the ride is over or take a proactive step towards learning from your mistakes and working towards making tomorrow better for yourself and any current or future relationships in which you might engage.

Lastly, whether it be together or alone, just learn to let go. Let go of your expectations, let go of your fantasies and your preconceived notions of what your partner was supposed to be like. Let go of your shortcomings and your failures and similarly let go of theirs. Let go of your fears and let go of your triggers and your pain, it won’t serve you here. Let go of your past and let go of trying to control the future because you never will. Just let go.

FOOTNOTE:
Let me take a brief second to go on a tangent here, in my article I was over-generalizing here to relate the information more directly to myself and my own experiences. My statements above are about my own struggles and that is not to say all dominant people are male or all submissive partners are female. I realize all dominant partners fall into the same line of toxic expectations of perfection regardless of gender or sex. I acknowledge dominant females face similar yet struggles of societal backlash being immediately assumed as man hating “bitches”. I see how, for similar reasons, as to why dominant males feel constantly in a pissing contest, submissive partner males are viewed, often even within our own subculture, as inherently dysfunctional, weak and powerless.

* Reference: HTTP://www.policymic.com/articles/54105/the-one-thing-all-men-feel-but-never-admit

Jacean Mikhael has been challenging the BDSM community since 1999, when he formed his first TNG chapter in Orlando and continued on with TNG International Council, SL,UT TNG, Utah Power Exchange. In 2009 he opened Orlando’s first and only public dungeon, Darkside Acting Studio with a “free-to-play” model that encouraged local community service and involvement as opposed to membership or admittance fees. Jacean has been offering his unique teaching style for over a decade as an educator at prominent BDSM events throughout the country and private mentor-ships. Outside his commitment to BDSM education, Jacean has also had an extensive career as an artist, chef, musician, and event promoter. His first book in a educational literature series  “BDSM Without the Bullshit” will be published later this year promoting a radical new methodology for practical application of titleless power exchange relationships.

19Jul/13

So I Deserve To Be Raped

Stop-Rape

Rape stats from sociology.com

by Chris Carroll aka Book

Find Chris on Twitter @chrisbookguy

(c)July 2013 All rights reserved This article is the sole property of the author and CAN NOT be reprinted in any format without express written permission of the author.

I do. Why just the other day I was working in a field wearing jean cutoffs, army boots and not a damn thing else and let me tell you sister, I looked fucking good I knew I looked good. I was trying to look good. Fuck the fact that it was fifty degrees out. That just made me sweat which made me shine. I was a glowing beacon of fuckability. Cars were stopping by the side of the road. Woman were fanning themselves with Elle Magazine while watching me and sipping iced tea. I was turning straight men gay. So imagine my surprise when not one of them tried to hit me over the head and have at me. Imagine my surprise when none of the woman tried drugging me or even, as some women are shy, using a blow gun from a distance to take my elephant arse down. I mean I was dressed for it I OBVIOUSLY WANTED IT RIGHT?

I can’t believe how often this comes up on Fet. I also can’t believe some inbred little shit is getting her jollies on how pissed off she made everyone by playing the old “Rape Culture” card again.

It doesn’t fucking matter how they are dressed. It doesn’t fucking matter where they are or what they are doing.

CONSENT IS THE SEXIEST FUCKING THING IN THE WORLD.

Not saying anything IS NOT THE SAME AS SAYING YES.

SAYING NO ISN’T FUCKING FOREPLAY.

Get it through your damn fucking heads. We can play our little scenes and our little games but if there isn’t consent you are a fucking criminal and will be, if I ever find out, treat you as such.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject… what is up with this “Oh, you’re just freaking out. Calm down, count to ten and we’ll try again?” If she says no, or yellow, or red why the fuck haven’t you pulled up your dommy pants and sat the fuck down already? Three times in two days I’ve heard stories of so called brilliant masters of the art of BDSM taking a sub’s opinion as a momentary weakness and pushing on regardless freaking the sub out to the point of aggravation and anger. At what point did your head get so far up your ass that you thought what you wanted mattered in the face of the sub who you claim as yours? She owes you nothing. She’ll give you everything if you treat her write ( Self fucking BDSM 101- Getting your head out of your own anus)

END RANT

15Jul/13

Book Review Wild Side Sex by Midori

.facebook_272350737by SweetGeekGoddess

(c) July 2013

I have been fortunate indeed to listen to the one of the most awesome BDSM presenters, rope artists and icons: Midori.  Her book “Wild Side Sex” does not disappoint.  This small book packs a punch with some great information whether you are new to the BDSM/kink world or an experienced kink player.  Midori’s gives her advice wrapped up in a fun and easy to read delivery that is sure to entertain. This is one to add to your library.

This is now available at Amazon.com for your kindle.  Purchase your copy of  “Wild Side  Sex:The Book of Kink”  HERE:

10Jul/13

Goddess’ 12 Tips To Avoid Being a Victim

Spank Me Maybeby SweetGeekGoddess

(c) July 2013

 

Whether you are brand spanking new to BDSM or have been around the block a few times we are all vulnerable to the occasional sociopathic predator that wanders into our midst.  These predators come in many different shapes and sizes and wear differing degrees of leather or kink.   No matter where they rear their ugly heads they are a major buzz kill to getting your kink on.  They can take the form of a gaggle of gossipy subby subs or Master/Mistress Domminus trained by the finest Gorean masters this side of Wichita, or just your average looking kinkster wanting to have a quick beating with a tup and a tickle.  Regardless of how they manifest themselves there are a few things you can do to avoid being a victim of drama or abuse.  Here are my 12 steps to keeping yourself from being a victim of a predator.

  1. Don’t be needy, greedy or desperate.  Predators prey on the weak.  Don’t be the one they can cut from the herd.
  2. Know who you are whether it is nothing more than discovering or involving. Knowing yourself can make a strong argument.
  3. Know how to say ‘NO’. This is easier if you follow #1.
  4. Like who you are and be comfortable with yourself.  Predators love to use your self worth against you. A strong self-esteem is one of your greatest assets.
  5. Educate yourself on BDSM, study the gurus amongst us, the big names, like Midori, Lee Harrington, Graydancer, Mollena, Master Tatu, Princess Kali, luna, Jack Rinella~ they have books, websites and blogs. You can even follow them on Twitter for the latest tidbits of wisdom flowing from their lips.
  6. Live your life with honor and integrity. It’s easier that way.
  7. When you are happy with yourself, like who you are you will attract those folks who will want to play and be with you. You may also attract and annoy the jealous cats and assholes, but hey, who gives a shit about them anyway??
  8. Remember, what other people think of you is none of your business. If you follow 2, 4, 6 and 7 this will be fairly easy.
  9. Make negotiations and contracts very clear. Negotiate inclusively not exclusively. See Tutivillus article:  “The Seductive Art of Negotiation”: http://www.kinkabuse.com/healthy-bdsm/the-seductive…
  10. Seek out those folks who can match your energy and integrity. That won’t necessarily be community leaders or those in the spotlight. Find a good fit for YOU. That will be different than the sub or Dom across the play space. Everyone is different. The wonderful thing about leather is that it will reshape itself to fit you if you wear it long enough.
  11. I am responsible. Yes, that means slaves and submissives as well as Dominants. You are responsible for your happiness, your life, your mistakes, victories and most of all your sexuality. Own it, love it and live it. Life is too damn short to live with regrets.
  12. Have fun. To quote the Governor, “If you aren’t having fun you are doing it wrong’.

08Jul/13

Your Jesus/God/Leather Doesn’t Look Like Mine So Fuck You

odinby SweetGeekGoddess

(c) March 2012 revised July 2013

Living in Utah, one cannot seem to escape the topic of religion.  Utah is predominantly LDS (Mormon) and as such the LDS religion and belief system permeates our local government, school system and our social circles.  Living in a theocracy can be a challenge. It never ceases to amaze and amuse how one of the first questions one is asked when meeting new people is whether or not you are affiliated with an organized religion.   I know this is due to the experience of many who have felt the backlash of religious intolerance; myself included. This theocracy creates a culture of us/them, for/against simply out of self-preservation.

The human animal has always had this predilection to group themselves into social groups/tribes.  Certainly it is an inescapable part of our human condition to desire to belong and spend time with those who share our beliefs, our interests and values.  There is much good that is accomplished when like-minded folks band together to create a network to promote and protect their own.  However, history has taught us repeatedly the horrors that occur when one group decides that their way is the only way.  Anyone in an alternative lifestyle has felt the occasional pinch, if not outright prejudice when being open to those who hold a more traditional value system.

As a panelist on the DungeonPlace Podcast, there were numerous times we poked fun at the Gorean style of leather.   The reality is that it doesn’t matter if you are from North or South Gor or come into to town riding your very own  tarn. What matters is that you have the right to practice your kink in a fashion that makes you happy.  The same can be said of any BDSM/leather group.  Your kink may not be my kink, but I promise you that I respect your right and your desires to do it your way…just don’t ask me to kneel as your kajira!

Don’t get me wrong, I get the whole exclusivity and secret club handshakes.  Secrecy and taboo can be very appealing and a fetish in and of itself.  For those who have felt that bite of being excluded by other groups, finding your very own ‘Fight Club’ can be extremely comforting.  There isn’t one damn thing wrong with finding your bliss in an exclusive group.  I even applaud those who find comfort in such organizations.  I am glad for anyone who has found a place where they can embrace their bliss.

What isn’t OK and what I am tired of hearing/seeing/experiencing is those who tell me that my leather isn’t good enough because it doesn’t look like theirs.  It feels like being told my God doesn’t look like your God so I can go fuck myself. It’s kind of like the Mormons who are baptizing dead Jews and Gandhi; it is about R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

As BDSM practitioners regardless of our style of leather, we all practice an alternate sexuality.   As part of this community of freaks, outcasts and fetishists  it is in all of our interests to be cohesive and contributing members to the greater cause of promoting a sex positive culture. We cannot promote tolerance if we ourselves are intolerant.  Each of us in our respective communities can be a proactive part of promoting tolerance by the simple act of  being tolerant.  Go ahead with your secret squirrel club, go have those hush hush tribal affairs or those special boot blacking ceremonies filled with cigar smoke. It’s all good, just don’t tell me my bondage tea parties and corsets aren’t real leather.  My real leather is my own skin and it fits me just fine.