All posts by sweetgeekgoddess

09Mar/15

Negotiations Are Over But….

Negotiate

Negotiate

By Gamer UK

We all know about negotiation, right? That aspect of pre-play where we talk to our (prospective) play partners about what we want, or need, what we’re ok with doing and what is off limits, and they do the same so we can find a mutually agreeable middle-ground.

But after that, when we’re playing, or have evolved into a relationship of some sort (and this includes any power exchange dynamic really, with the probable exception of Owner/Property..), we need to remember and stick with what we agreed were the Limits. Those details we’ve agreed to tend to set the way things unfold, and are more than just the result of our negotiation. The terms are a contract between two or more people. They are an visible display of our integrity (or lack of it).

We can all occasionally be guilty of not keeping our word, and most times the result is a little discontentment but no real harm done. However, when the context is that of a power exchange dynamic and you fail to maintain your word, or keep pushing at someones boundaries and hard limits in order to get something you want (after it’s been explicitly negotiated that ‘whatever’ isn’t going to happen) then you are most likely a monstrous Douche! It really, really isn’t acceptable to push, cajole, intimidate, bully, belittle or coerce play partners into doing something they don’t want to do.

And let’s talk about the old Lie about ‘stretching your limits’. When someone tells you that, and you didn’t agree to it.. grab your shit and run! Expanding each others horizons & capabilities is part of our kink growth and people do it all the time… in a supportive way; mostly within a relationship; with aftercare and after talking it over; and after having it agreed to.

It’s hard enough finding people you trust with your safety and sanity, without then feeling like you’re constantly having to stand your ground to maintain the terms they previously agreed to. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known each other either. Other than a mid-scene re-negotiation (this is ‘bad form’ because if endorphin’s have kicked in from subspace/top space, etc you aren’t always capable of coherent, rational thought) it’s ok to ask at a later negotiation session for something you previously wanted in an earlier play session but which your partner refused for whatever reason. Note: it may still not happen!

People and circumstances change and as you build trust and establish your credibility regarding your skills & ability. Something we wouldn’t allow/attempt 6 months ago may be OK to try after getting to know your play-partner(s) more. Sex is the example that most often comes to mind. If a partner tells you ‘No penetration’ , or ‘I don’t feel that kind of connection’ and you’re always trying to fuck them every time you play, they’re going to leave your sorry ass in the dirt at some point, no matter how awesome your kink skills are. Also remember that constantly asking for something which repeatedly remains a solid ‘No, not interested’ is another epic way to sour what you do have.

Arguably the best path is to make it clear you want to discuss the relationship, sit down and do just that. However, just trying to manipulate a situation or person, to bully, belittle or press them without giving them the opportunity to negotiate for something they want in return, and without honoring the terms set makes you (at least) borderline abusive.

Food for thought? I hope so.

20Aug/13

Chili Con Carne

beef-texas-chili-con-carne-09

Chili Con Carne

by SweetGeekGoddess

(c)August 2013

I had a conversation on Twitter recently with @rolanddenzel . He had posted a great link to a recipe for slow cooker Chili Colorado. I promised a post with my recipe for Chili Con Carne.  So, Roland here it is as promised!

Chile Con Carne

Serves 6

1 lb of stew meat or a pot roast 

1 small can green chilies  (mild if you are wimp or use chipolatas if you like it hot)

1 onion chopped

1 tablespoon chopped garlic

1 can tomatoes chopped

1 tbs. Chili powder

1 tbs. cumin

In a skillet sear the meat in olive oil.  Remove into the crock-pot.  In the same pan saute the onions and garlic until translucent.  Add the onions, garlic, chilies, tomatoes, chili powder and cumin to the meat in the crock-pot.  Cook on high until meat is done and can be separated with a fork.  

Serve with warmed tortillas and the usual taco fixings. 

**I have used this recipe with a very cheap cut of pork butt and works great.  I do recommend trimming some of the fat off the butt.

16Aug/13

Intent vs Intentions

good intentions

Good Intetions

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

by GamerUK

(c) August 2013 All Rights Reserved

I keep thinking about Intent vs. Intentions because, in my mind, these are a huge integral part of BDSM, and yet can be quite difficult to describe during discussion or negotiation, Especially if you haven’t thought about it much previously. I finally decided to simplify things~from my perspective~as much as possible.

‘Intentions’ are what we want to do, or are trying to accomplish.

Intent is ‘Why’ we are doing those things.

As kinky folks, we do some interesting things and we tend to talk about what we enjoy, and what we’d like to give/do to, or receive from, others. We talk about dribbling wax in various ways, about suspension in rope. We discuss inflicting pain with floggers, crops, whips, or maybe being required to dress in a specific manner (cissification, costume play, adult baby/diaper lover).

It’s not as common to discuss ‘Why’ we want to do something with another person, even when we’re negotiating with them. For many of us, just discussing what we want to do with our partner is enough. For those of us that enjoy sensation play, just getting to participate in giving or receiving can be its’ own justification. We enjoy different sensations. Some of us enjoy being in control, or being controlled to various degrees. It can be 24/7, a bedroom/play activity or something we need at various points in our life.

I have found that explaining my Intent, the ‘why’ I want to do something, a plan I want to implement, often leads to a better understanding between myself and others. It doesn’t always help get agreement on my terms, but its’ a great way to steer everyone who consents towards the same goal. I think sometimes we don’t discuss the reason behind pursuing our kink activities because we don’t want to leave ourselves vulnerable to ridicule or rejection because of the ‘Why’.

I love explaining the intent behind things with people I trust & want to build trust with. Telling someone ‘you’re really attractive’ and that I’d like to have them over my knee and spank them is a good opening for negotiation (though not real classy). I find it much better to follow up as part of negotiation with ‘because it arouses me to see a gorgeous woman’s backside turn the colour of a ripe peach’. It explains my motivations.

Sure you don’t need the flowery wording, but explaining the ‘Why’ can be a powerful part of negotiation. When you can explain the ‘why’ of what you want to do or explore, you are opening yourself up to your partners, which can be a great trust building aspect of any discussions you have.

However, more than a trust building tool, the Intent of any scene can be more important than any actual play. The Intent can be cathartic, it can be therapeutic, it can be simply for stress relief, it can be to work towards personal growth. I’ve seen, and heard, folks use BDSM activities as a tool for getting in touch with their Spirituality, and/or as a vehicle for performing ‘sex magic’. Sitting down and discussing the reasoning about why a series of actions should, or needs to, happen is a damn good way of helping to get what you need and want, in the manner that will work best to achieve that end for all involved.

It’s a reason I actively try to discuss Intent rather than just my desired intentions.

Oh, and doing something just because it arouses you and or your partner(s) is definitely an extremely valid reason too!

16Aug/13

Thoughts on BDSM Lifestyle and 24/7

I Yam What I Yam!

I Yam What I Yam!

by SweetGeekGoddess

(c) April 2011

“I Yam what I Yam” ~ Popeye

Gamer and I had an interesting discussion the other day about the several interpretations of a 24/7 BDSM relationship. The discussion began as it often does from various posts on Fetlife. We had both been reading posts that were discussing the difficulties of living the “lifestyle” 24/7. Neither of us subscribe or feel comfortable with a great deal of protocols in our lives and our relationship. As a submissive I am permitted a great many liberties that from what I understand from the writings and discussion with more formal households would be either punished outright or not allowed. I also have been asked many times how I reconcile my stubborn spunky nature with my desire to be submissive. I have been accused many times from more formal Dominants of being a ‘Toppy Little Bitch’ and I am sure Gamer has been asked on more than one or two occasions why he tolerates such behavior from me.

Some of the questions we get asked are: Do Gamer and I live the lifesyle 24/7? How do we manage our ‘vanilla’ life with that of our BDSM lifestyle? How do we integrate the two? For myself, I think the key here is an understanding and acceptance of self. Let me elaborate.

I have no doubt that I am a service submissive. I am naturally inclined to give of my talents and skills to those who have earned my admiration and respect. When I love you, whether as partner and/or friend I adopt you in my mind and heart as belonging to me. Thus, you become my responsibility to take care of and serve. I do this without thinking, at a visceral emotional level as naturally as breathing. For me, this is not a role I adopt a few times a week for shits and giggles. This is literally who and what I am. I accept this as part of my nature and how I identify as a person. If you were to meet me , you would discover a plump menopause queen, sharp tongued, quick witted, quick to laugh and very direct. I don’t call a spade a spade, I call a spade a fucking shovel. If you can’t handle the heat get the hell out of the kitchen.

Gamer is a sadist pure and simple. I can vouch for the fact that watching me squirm in pain coupled with orgasm makes his dick hard. He is pretty damn creative with what he comes up with in the ways to alternatively and sometimes simultaneously torture and pleasure me. He is dominant without a question, very protective and when he chooses to lay down the law, there is no doubt in my mind who is in charge. He worked law enforcement for many years and I can tell by the set of his jaw and the look in his eye where the limits are. He has a dark and devious mind. He is as subtle as I am direct. If you were to meet him in person you would find a handsome, affable, jolly Englishman with an easy laugh, a somewhat lazy demeanor, very personable and infinitely likable. Gamer’s sadism is as much a part of who he is as his easy laugh and love of a good beer.

We don’t have many formal protocols within our dynamic, we don’t have a list of rituals that we go through to find our head space. We don’t live the ‘lifestyle’ and we don’t distinguish between ‘vanilla’ and our BDSM. What we do, is live our lives with who we are with truth and acceptance. We do that 24/7, 365 days a year no matter how we label it or attempt to define it. Gamer is a mean fucker and a sadist and I am a submissive woman period. That is not contradicted when I demand good service at the grocery store or shift into overdrive to run an efficient household while working full-time in a demanding career. Gamer is no less a sadist and a Dominant when he chooses to delegate the day-to-day running of things to me. Not being big on micromanagement, Gamer gives me a great deal of leeway to do as I see fit, trusting that I will put his needs first and foremost.

Gamer is my Dominant, he is my Master, he is my Governor and the love of my life. I don’t need Gorean-like rituals and protocols to make that true or to serve him better. By being himself he inspires my love, my devotion and my service. One look from him can silence me instantly. One touch can have me kneel at his feet literally and/or figuratively. It matters little if we are dealing with our day-to-day lives amongst the ‘vanilla’ or in the bedroom. We are who we are.

We are Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, Daddy/girl. When we accept that about ourselves we no longer need the protocols, categories or labels such as ‘24/7’ or ‘BDSM lifestyle’ to make that true. We simply are who we are.

03Aug/13

Figging for Your Health

gingerrootby SweetGeekGoddess

When I was on the panel for DungeonPlace Podcast, we did an episode about figging.  Figging  also known as gingering  is inserting raw peeled ginger root in the anus or vagina. It was used in ancient Greece and Roman times as a means of punishment to slaves. In Victorian times, the practice was used to punish malcreant school children.  Inserting the peeled ginger root into the anus makes it difficult to clench the butt cheeks, adding a level of pain to a proper caning.

And….ginger root has massive amounts of health benefits! According to the website Mind Body Green, ginger root has extraordinary health powers!  Who knew you could get your kink on and get the healthy benefits of ginger root all at the same time! Multi-tasking at it’s best!

So for all of you interested in learning more about figging and the health benefits of ginger root.  Here are the links that inspired this article:

How To On Figging Safely

5  Herbs & Spices That Belong in Every Home

03Aug/13

Crossroads, Real/Imagined

Photo by Steven Baines

Photo by Steven Baines

by Hannah Corrigan

(c) August 2013 All rights reserved This article is the sole property of the author and CAN NOT be reprinted in any format without express written permission of the author.

This is in part, part a private conversation I have been having with a beautiful woman and in part a set of thoughts based on this article:

Struggles of the Dominant Identity: Good Doms Don’t Cry
by by Jacean Mikhael
http://www.kinkycupoftea.com/struggles-of-the-dominant-identity-good-doms-dont-cry/

When illusions fail, suddenly you are fully present, ‘ in the room’ and in my case, still wanting to be with my mentor after the event, a near overwhelming gratitude for that patient person who stood there and let me have that beautiful illusion in privacy, came out like a river.

I suddenly saw him as the one who had set aside time and personal identity for a time, in order to allow me to experience the grace and beauty that only imagination can bring.

He was the one bore that weight of my expectations for me while I was in that sack of self protection and after it was torn open, a different and powerfully motivating love came into play in our relationship.
For us, this is when the bond of Service first formed. The seed that had been planted, sprouted over the soil for the first time. Everything before this time, became a prenatal experience…almost instantly.

Today I feel this is the point of reaching the real/imagined crossroads, maybe even the reason why crossroads like this exist at all. As it’s only on arrival at this point, for me now a mile marker within my M/s journey, where I felt I was deemed ready by the universe itself to ‘move forward’. I was given a unique choice – to stay under the blanket of illusion or let go of it – and that choice came without expectation or threat of judgment. It just arrived.

In choosing to let go of my illusory blanket, in trusting that was the right thing to do and in accepting the right time had been decided for me, I was given the first gifts of maturation. What I had feared as a loss, was in actuality, a gain of exquisite proportions. It was in fact, a loving invitation.

So this is why I feel that being aware of the existence of this real/imagined crossroads, its nature and the process, as much as its inevitability, is so important in our walk of the BDSM world.
Given my experiences I am able to say that stepping from the imagined into the real need not be a loss of anything but that self created illusion. If you choose, you can choose to see it as an opportunity to grow up, to mature, to ‘get real’, to step forward together with your opposite and together, to grow past the need for illusions entirely if that is your desire. You can choose to let go and may need to mourn the loss of an innocence for a time, or you can celebrate its departure. Its entirely up to you. I just know, that that loss wasn’t the end of innocence for me, it was only the end of a beautiful journey, and potentially disabling naivety.

When I realized at my first steps, that it was an image in my head that I had been serving and not the man and dynamic that actually was, it was then that the ‘real’ meat of what M/s is to me, was born inside me. I came into full actualization of my role only after that time, as I was empowered by my decision to leap, to make wiser and better choices for myself. I knew how to.

I was enabled by the room now free in my mind and the energy now free in my body ordinarily spent on sustaining the illusion, to make even more decisions and to fully comprehend what choice and decision even was in actuality, for the first real time. My dynamic became more authentic to me as a result. I could give more of myself to it and my inner power was drawn out of its perceptual prenatal construct and birthed into organic life.

This is in part why I and my people do not ‘play’ in the imagined. It is not a judgment on others, but it is why we don’t go out much, don’t engage often or rather, engage very intentionally. It’s not because we are shy or closet criminals, we simply choose not to.

We will care-take and we are patient; we act as sounding boards or trampolines depending on the needs of those who arrive on our doorsteps but we do not engage power dynamism with them below the superficial strata.

We only ever work and play with those who have made a similar choice to take the leap out of self created illusion as we have made, as that is when we feel, people are really capable of informed consent; when they are free within as much as without, to choose authentically to do what they are doing with the person they are doing it with.

Real growth can be painful. Expansion of awareness and de-illusioning within a M/s dynamic can be an uncomfortable, even frightening process. It is true that not every outcome can be prepared for, let alone assured but it is here that I/we find that the risk as much as the love is made real and so, for me, it has also been very much worth it.

02Aug/13

Bang With Friends A New Google App

BangWithFriends

  1. by SweetGeekGoddess

(c) August 2013

So have you seen the new Google App, ‘Bang With Friends‘??   If not, here is the description:

Anonymously find friends who are down for the night!
Your friends will never know you’re interested unless they are too!
(Completely private & discreet until both friends are down to bang!)
1. Sign in with Facebook: So you can see your friends (don’t worry – it’s discreet)!
2. Pick the friends you want to Bang: We will only show your friends that you’re interested if they are too!
3. Message Each Other: Once we know you’re both down, we’ll send you both an email – when and where is up to you!
4. B-a-n-g: Yup, that’s right. Slow, fast, rough, or soft you decide how it goes. Stay safe!

I can see EPIC FUCKING FAIL all over this idea.  The mind boggles at the cluster fuck (pun intended) that is going to spin out of this one.    I might be a tad old fashioned here, but even the most shallow relationships are best handled with three key elements: Honest , Open, and Willing.  This particular idea tanks on 2 out of 3.

Don’t even get me started with Google adding another layer of  intrusion into our lives.

31Jul/13

The Morgana Scrolls: Journeys Of Enslavement And Freedom

Morgana Scrolls by Hannah Carrigan

Morgana Scrolls by Hannah Carrigan

Book Review by SweetGeekGoddess

(c) July 2013

“The Morgana Scrolls: Journeys Of Enslavement And Freedom” by Hannah Corrigan  is a darkly beautiful story of abuse and redemption.  The prose is both lyrical and magical transporting the reader into the tormented soul of a young woman whose journey out of the abyss of child abuse is both heart wrenching  and beautiful.

The sixteen-year-old  dancer rhia is enslaved by the Dragon-clan, a cult like BDSM group whose protocols are based on Gorean methodology.  Detached from her core identity  from years of abuse, rhia is targeted for rescue by another BDSM clan. Her struggles to recapture her core self are so well written, they read like tragic poetry both beautiful and sad.  Corrigan’s treatise on consent via her character Master James outlines some of the best principles for consent based BDSM I have ever read.  Corrigan  delivers her sermon powerfully, vividly and memorably.

This novella should come with some trigger warnings as it may generate emotional triggers in those who have suffered abuse.  Also, if you are used to a steady Hershey cheap chocolate diet of erotic pulp fan fiction you won’t find much in the way of masturbation fodder here.  Instead what you will find is very well written dark smooth expensive Belgian chocolate prose that melts on your heart the way you only find in good literature.

If you are fan of ’50 Shades of Grey’ you will be sorely disappointed in the novel.  If you are a well read BDSM practitioner who enjoys fine literature in addition to  a well placed flogger you will not be disappointed.  I myself, am looking  forward with much anticipation to the next installment.

29Jul/13

Playing Well With Others

PlayingWellWithOthersBook Review by SweetGeekGoddess

(c) July 2013

“Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Navigating and Exploring the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities” by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams is a well written well thought out ‘how to’ on navigating the BDSM communities.  It dishes out well thought out strategies on how to play nicely in a myriad of different situations, gives fabulous advice on negotiation and relationships and all handed to you in a fun playful manner.   Lee and Mollena don’t disappoint in giving not only the brand spanking new kinkster great tips on discovering their kink but give great tips to those who wear Master’s caps.

From walking brand new into your first play party, to online interaction to how to identify a cult. These two have covered it all without being preachy.  Excellent read!

You can purchase your own copy at Amazon.com HERE.

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