Monthly Archives: October 2012

26Oct/12

Sexy and Affordable Boots For Fall

Temperatures are beginning to drop and that means it’s time for sexy boots.  So here is a few of our affordable picks for sexy boots to help you start the season off right!

You can’t go wrong  with this versatile classic riding boot.  At only $99.95  = extremely affordable.

Kelly & Katie Blanch Riding boot -DSW

Classic Leather Riding Boot by Kelly-Katie Blanch

 

Look how much fun these Yasmina Red Tassled Platform boots are and only $90!!

These black high heel ankle boots are sedate and sexy! So cute for $85!

PlatformAnkleBoot

 

These Off to Ireland walking boots are comfortable and classy! How can you go wrong for a price of $64.99???

Off To Ireland Boot

Off To Ireland boot

 

These faux wrap platform wedge boots are simply divine.  The faux wrap reminds me of leather blindfolds HOT! HOT! HOT! For $99.99 they are an affordable addition to any fall wardrobe!

Swathe Your Step Wedge

Swathe Your Step Wedge

 

 

26Oct/12

The Kid in the Candy Shop: A Note for BDSM Newbies

CandyStore by Eric M. Martin

Candy Store by Eric M. Martin

Copyrighted material Used with Permission of the author all rights reserved

by Chris Carroll aka Book

Alright kids… time to have a little talk you and I. Just sit still a second and listen to this because what I’m telling you isn’t out of lording or thinking I’m better or older or even wiser because absolutely none of that shit is true. I am no expert in anything except my own story and I am going to tell you a bit of my story because I think it might be able to help. So you’ve come out. You’ve realized that not only do you like some things that are questionable and kinky but you’ve come to realize through this website and through events and stuff that not only are there other people who like this stuff… some of those people are fucking HOT. Like, holy fucking hell! You say more tits and ass at one party then you had all through puberty and this really cute such and such actually talked to you, mostly naked, about how on occasion she closes her eyes and bites her lip and likes to pretend she’s getting raped. HOLY FUCK MAN.

Welcome to the Candy Store. The next few weeks of your life are going to be one of the toughest of your life. I wish you well. I hope you do better in these few weeks then I did because, well… I’ve never been much of one for willpower. It has taken me years to learn self control. It has taken me years to fight off an addiction to sex and submission and power and control. You’ve stepped through one hell of a rabbit hole and you’re just begining to realize that all te stuff that used to make you think a deviant and a freak and (in my case a possible sociopathic criminal) are actually not all that uncommon. There are others like you. They call themselves a community. They throw parties. You can learn from others, you can meet girls or boys who want to play with you… this girl was just talking to me in a bustier and nothing else about how she sometimes like rape. This girl must be soooooo fucking dtf. Like, wow man…

And that’s where I, and a whole lot of other people, screwed up right at the start. We torpedoed ourselves for the candy store. There was so much there, so much available. I was friendly and reasonably good looking and I could talk a good game so… yeah. This is gonna be great!

In the mid nineties a man that I will love to my dying day took me by the throat and dragged me the fuck out of the community. He saw what I was doing and he had had enough. I was playing with everyone I could convince to come to my house. I was booty calling like a fucking mad man. My friends, those that hung around, refer to that stage of my life as the Irish Slut Boy year and both they and I are fucking amazed I am still alive today from some of the shit I was doing. So my Master pulled me away and decided that I needed to learn a few fundamentals of a healthy lifestyle and community. He collared me for a short term of service in his house. He made me start from the bottom and work my way up. He taught me just about everything I know about kink and service and even a hell of a lot about common decency, manners, respect and love for your fellow kinksters.

Here is what it boils down to…

It is a candy store, but it is one of those high end candy stores where you can look but you really shouldn’t be slobbering over someone else’s chocolate.

Yes, sometime kink and sex cross paths. Lots of the time. But (and this is the golden rule for babydoms and I swear to god the only thing that makes me want to smack em) YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION THE AFTER EFFECTS OF PLAY. Yes, its easy to scene with strangers. They get what tey want and you get what you want. But you HAVE to take into consideration this one thing… when you play with power, and submission, and trust to the levels that we by our very basic definitions do you HAVE to accept that there is going to be some attachment. You can’t beat someone into the dirt and then help them up without them wanting to fucking hug you afterwards. Most of the “Drama” that erupts in the scene boils down to this one fact. We don’t always take into consideration just how addictive/dependent we can become to play or to the people who make us play hard.

The absolute best thing you can do is find one partner who likes as much of the same stuff as you do and train with them. Play with them. Learn with them. You can be a couple, you can just be play friends, just spend your time exploring as much as you can with that one person and as you do that take stock of just how much emotional stuff develops between you. THIS IS NOT AN ABERRATION. THIS IS NOT A DOWNER OR A REASON TO DUMP SOMEONE’S ASS. This is the nature of the game.

If you don’t know someone’s head and someone’s heart there is no reason you should be anywhere near someone’s body. Ninety percent of the game, the turn on, the build up (the stuff that makes this INTENSE AND WORTHWHILE and not just random pick up fun) comes from the attachments casual sex players toss off. Don’t fall into the same trap I did.

Yes, there is lots of pretty. Pretty is fun to look at. Pretty is fun to flirt with. But trust me… its so much better when you let it grow to be more then that.

Find someone you like who has some stuff in common and work on making a dynamic between the two of you. Even if its even something like three simple rules that get enforced by one bare bottom smack.

See how fast it grows into something bigger, better and staggeringly intense.

Trust me.

I’ve fucked up royal. I’ve wrecked people and wrecked myself. Had my master not pulled me out when he had I probably would have contracted a bunch of STDs and wrecked a bunch of lives. I’ve blown off people seriously into me because they were seriously INTO me and I just thought they were kinky lays.

Welcome to the Candy Store.

Please don’t piss on the floor as badly as I did.

SIDE NOTE:

I once asked my Master, on my last day of service when I was allowed to dress properly and sit at the table and have a meal with him why he had done it. I asked why he had bothered. I mean, I was younger and in much better shape and at the time very much an anal slut and a bit of a bottom. I knew that on some level I had served him well and pleased him well physically and, after a few beginning mishaps, I kept his house running in good order. But all the other stuff, the history of the community and all the interpersonal relationship instructions. He didn’t have to teach me any of that stuff. But he had anyway. So I asked him. And he told me that he wanted me to realize two things and only two things as I left his service and his house. I COULD NOT make kink my life. It is not a goal or a career or an ambition and yet it plays with so many addictive elements that it could easily destroy you. Lets face it… its a fucking drug. We play with euphoria and ecstasy and endorphin rushes similar to the most extreme sports. Add a healthy amount of sex in with cool parties and yes… the life can wreck you. So he had to make sure I didn’t kill myself with it because, to quote, I like your pretty face. He also said that getting on in years he was growing to appreciate the Grandfather clause of being an elder… in that I would leave and some day I would take a submissive of my own and teach her. And she would move on and teach someone else. And so on, and so forth. I felt that for the first time today actually… weird coincidence. A girl that I very much adore has moved on. She is now strong and knows gads more about this stuff then I do and she now has a new play mate and they are learning from each other and I can tell just from looking at them, that they are going to be mighty and amazing. I brought her out, she brought him out. The grandfather clause. For the first time ever I seem to be okay with Sughra calling me Grandpa. Actually, no. But still…

He changed my life. I miss him very much.

I hope this helps some of you as you take those first steps. Step lightly. But step sure.

Love you all.

 

26Oct/12

Killing Uhura (The Next Generation): Communications in Kinks

Star Trek's UhuraCopyrighted material Used with Permission of the author all rights reserved

by Chris Carroll aka Book

The single hardest thing we have to do in any relationship is talk. Ever notice that? In the first days you just can’t shut up when near each other. You drop bomb shell after bomb shell and the other person is so entranced and so into you that they just process all that information because they’re building up their concept of you in their head and they are hungry for every tid bit they can get. This is the honeymoon period of every relationship. Add that to the pulse pounding excitement of the first time you do anything and everything together and you’ve a perfect storm of love and affection. I love the starts of things almost as much as my cathatic soul loves when things end (I’m all about the rebuilding… taking the stones of the cathedral and turning them into… oh… a pub).

But what happens when you lose the ability to talk? I fell asleep last night listening to some relationship guru yattering away on talk radio and she said something I must have read a thousand times in a thousand different books over the years. Those who are happiest in this world are those who never lose the ability to communicate both with total strangers or the people they love the most. Good communication improves every single aspect of your life. What is “Community Drama” other then two people who need to just sit the fuck down and have a conversation with each other being too pig headed to do it and gathering their friends on their “Side”? You stop talking and nine times out of ten you start keeping secrets. Nine times out of ten you start feeling guilty. Nine times out of ten you knock the first stones out of the bridge between you.

So why the fuck do we do it? Why do we kill Uhura?

That’s easy.

1. We did something we’re not proud of and we just don’t want the other person to know. This person is the center of our universe and her opinion of me is the only one that really matters. I don’t think I’d survive seeing disappointment in her eyes.

2. We did something that we know will hurt them and it is absolutely better to spare that, take it on ourselves and bury it fucking deep in a chance to maintain the status quo.

3. We’re said it all before. My stories are getting old. I’m getting boring. What do you say to the person who you can’t charm with words anymore because you used up all your voco-mojo in the first few months of the relationship.

I’m probably missing something but lets face it. Those are the three main ones. I think all of these form around one common miscomprehension. You cannot, and do not, EVER know what the other person is thinking. Even if they were completely and totally born without a poker face, even if you know them so well that you can read every single eye twitch and the emotion that spawns it you don’t know them THAT well. I know that what I have to tell you will hurt you and I know you don’t deserve that and I don’t want you to think less of me because I think nothing but everything of you… and yet… really… do I know how you’re going to react? Do I know how you deal with things. For the first few hours, yes I do. But I have no idea how you’ll process the emotions in the long run. I mean, you could tell me that you just had a fabulous fucking gang bang and squirted all over the place and did all sorts of really awesome things that I had wanted to do with you. Angry? Sure. Jealous? Sure. But do you know the moment when the emotion simmers down and my brain starts working again? Do you know that maybe an hour later that pervy part of myself that gets off on you being naughty will actually start wanting details? Do you know why it is I am wired to NOT feel jealousy for longer then an hour. You’ve heard the story… you’ve heard all my stories but do you know how the mechanics of it works? We always hold back because we assume our partners will take things badly.

The only thing I take badly to are secrets. I am a pretty happy guy. Maybe there is something to that. Or maybe I’m an emotional masochist. Okay, I am totally an emotional masochist but the point remains…. I’d rather know then not.

I had an interesting encounter recently. I ran in to a girl who was so conditioned against fighting, so conditioned against pissing her partner off that she would stop mid sentence whenever her brain flashed that the person she was talking to might react badly. Any attempts to get her to finish her sentence would be rebuked. She self edited to a degree I had never, ever seen before. Kinda common. Who doesn’t self edit on occasion. But I had never seen it quite this bad. It was, to be honest, a tad infuriating. I have only one rule with people I scene with. Don’t snow me. Don’t lie to me. Don’t hold back. If I am doing something wrong I won’t fix it til you tell me. If something makes you uncomfortable, tell me. Hell if my apartment has a bad smell or you just can’t stand the look of my cottage cheese ass anymore… just tell me. Everything can be fixed, and to be honest, after the initial hit we’ll be on much more stable ground. Fixing something can be a good bonding experience.

Hiding something, no matter how stealthy cool you are… not so much.

I digress.

Everyone always says communication is key to a relationship. Makes sense. But it our dynamics it is even more critical then most. I bring this up because there has been a fairly serious lack of communications and negotiations out there. I’m not saying that every little scene should have some sort of written contract but I have seen some stuff go down lately between TOTAL FUCKING STRANGERS that probably shouldn’t have. I’m all for losing myself in the moment but holy crap. What we do is DANGEROUS. I explained it to a friend once that it was more or less an extreme sport… we spend as much time training as athletes, as much time taking lumps and as much energy. I can’t scene without at least one long assed conversation, even months before, where I get the feel of the person I’m playing with. If I’m topping I really want to know what they’re looking for and need out of our time together. I really want to know where the landmines are and how to walk across the graveyard without blowing skeletons out of the Earth. If I’m letting some hot thing tie me up I want to be able to say, with reasonable assuredy, that when I am all spacy they aren’t going to jamming a red hot poker up my ass or taking my head off with a band saw.

“I don’t know… you’re the dom, you choose what we’re doing.”

If I had a nickle for every time I heard that. I’ve actually untied people, put their clothes back on and sent them home to think about what they want. I have. Or to think about what they think Doms are supposed to do because if all their information is coming off the interwebs they’re seriously confused. Go home and think about what you want in this scene. Go fantasize the hottest fucking rape and pillage you can cream to, write it down and send it to me. We’ll do that. Right now all the Dom wants is to know what he can do for the sub.

Which brings me back to the point.

We deal in a lifestyle that pushes limits. Our own and others. We deal in a lifestyle that has its own rules, its own titles, its own protocols and is generally just a shitstorm waiting to happen if you step over someone’s lines. Its a strange and wonderful world and I fucking love it. But I am well armed. If nothing else, I know how to talk to people. Maybe I’ve grown up and gotten old but for me, this whole lifestyle now is about the head. The one on my shoulders. I will get down and dirty with the best of them sure but I want to know what is going on in your head. What makes you feel dirtiest? What makes you feel strongest? Do you prefer aftercare or just a “Wow, Painslut! Well done, get the fuck out!” Kink takes sex and sews it together with a whole bunch of other concepts and this is why I love it. Sex is sex. Yay. Woo. Boring. But sex mixed in with this creepy little dream you used to have that made you feel both scared and naughty at the same time? Then it becomes something else. Then it becomes something special.

For me, its all about that. Layering all these different aspects onto each other. Dealing with your fantasies. Your fears. Your dreams. Shit you’ve never told anyone before that makes your heart hammer in your chest and you’re embarassed to admit and yet…

The idea that you get to do it keeping you wet and distracted for days…

Kink is about creativity and ideas.

All of which can’t happen when you lose the ability to talk.

I don’t care much about how long you’ve been together or how established the roles are. The dynamic is NOT the relationship. The roles are NOT the people. Every now and then you need to re read the old diaries. Every now and then you need to look over the original contracts. Every now and then you need to stop being the Sir, and start being the man. Every now and then you need a day sitting across from each other as equals.

This is going to be the most vanilla thing I will say today. Untie the girl and dress her up pretty. Go to a nice restaurant. Look into her eyes.

And let her talk.

25Oct/12

A Note on Perspective

Copyrighted material Used with Permission of the author all rights reserved

By Chris Carroll aka Book

So I started this thread because this finding a master is kind of like a job interview for me… a life job… this is going to affect everything for me from this day forward and I want to make the right choice but it is hard when they ask all of the questions. How do you judge the quality of a Master if he does not let you speak?”

Simple. He’s a bad one. You have a fucking brain too. If he doesn’t know it he shouldn’t be anywhere near your fucking body.

“I have decided that I am making this my job hunt because this is much, much more important to me.”

Perspective. Please.

It’s sex.

That’s it.

Kinky, perverted, don’t tell your children sex. Especially if it is with someone who doesn’t let you talk. Especially if it is with someone who after two conversations ONLINE has started asking you for access to your financial and criminal records. For some of us, lucky enough to find a decent and I mean this word with all of its weight so I’m writing it with capitals PARTNER, it becomes more. It becomes about fulfilling needs and voids and protecting one another at your most vulnerable and making each other strong. It is about fulfilling a need to serve and it is about being served. It is about needing someone’s arm to guide you and the strength that comes from that and it is about being able to care for someone and provide for them EVERYTHING that they need to be a good and strong person. I give to my subs I don’t fucking take. If you are even remotely considering “Your job” Giving blindly to some fucking asshat then for the love of fuck hurry up and get killed by that there psychopath so I can read someting good in my morning paper.

Look. You need communication. You need to realize that the only people who want simply to control you for the sake of control are people who are going to hurt you simply for the sake of hurt. That is not, and has not ever been, what this shit is all about. Get your lovely little head out of your tight little ass and let me smack some perspective into you because, like I said earlier, I am all about the giving.

If you find someone you can open up to about this stuff… awesome. If you find some like minded playmates… great. If you find someone who you connect with and the more you are with them the more you want to serve them and be their submissive… that is fucking awesome. I even know some couples who make the Master and Slave thing work because they’ve got communication skills that fucking dwarf mine.

But reality check…

IT’S NOT GOING TO FEED YOUR FAMILY

IT’S NOT GOING TO PROVIDE FOR YOUR FUTURE, POWER AN ECONOMY OR KEEP YOU OFF THE FUCKING STREETS.

Perspective.

If I ever lose it, shoot me in the fucking head

(and don’t ever let me read the submissive women’s threads anymore)

25Oct/12

What BDSM Is All About

Copyrighted material Used with Permission of the author all rights reserved

By Chris Carroll aka Book

It has cost me a job. It has cost me relationships. It has cost me a bit of pride and forced me to re-evaluate a lot of things that I have always taken for granted as solid in my world. This is okay. This is how I live. This is how I will live from now on because I don’t think I can ever go back to vanilla. This is why. This is what it’s all about…

…it’s about anticipation, that feeling you get when you know you’re about to do something you’ve longed for all of your days, or not longed, ACHED for. A way to be touched and that feeling of euphoria that comes when you’ve found someone who knows how to touch in that way; it’s about not being able to concentrate at work, your mind falling back to the fantasy you had last night when you were alone and trying to sleep and how your little fingers played your body thinking that the fantasy might actually come true; it’s about the run home, the long preperatory shower; picking panties and clothes that are going to make him just DIE; sitting on your hands on the sofa while he sits facing you, hands on your knees holding them apart, whispering his lips so close to your ear…

…it’s about surprise. It’s about things you’ve never thought of, never imagined, never dreamed you could do or worse, even be into. You are standing with your forehead to the wall, your shirt and bra strap worked down over your shoulders, barely on, the button of your jeans open, fly down, panties showing standing there with your eyes closed and he is standing close behind you. You’ve lived here YEARS. Never once did you ever think, especially when you first saw that wall, that you would be standing against it… skin to it… clothes almost falling off… wanting this man to touch you wanting to know what comes next wanting wanting wanting… almost screaming when his lips brush your neck, lips cover teeth, teeth bite… give me your neck to kiss or my teeth will take it. The fist that lands so close to your face startling you, making you fall back against his body… being gently pushed back up against the wall. For that transgression these pants are forfeit… it’s about how wet you get, standing there in your corner with your cute little ass exposed and how you NEVER EVER thought you could get into this.

…it’s about secrets, and fantasies, and the limits you put on yourself. it’s about the naughty little things you’ve always kept locked away in the back of your head… I can’t list them, I’m only still learning of them myself. But you know what they are. you know about how you feel the gambit of emotions around all of them, sometimes ashamed, sometimes amused, sometimes very very aroused. It’s about how they make you feel slutty and how that slutty makes you feel strong. It’s about how they make you feel dirty and how that dirty version of yourself is really kind of hot and you wish you could be her more often because she doesn’t take shit from anybody. It’s about the second life, the soul, that little image of ourselves that we have locked away and that only slips out when we’re on our knees with a cock in our mouth or getting fucked stupidly in a way we shouldn’t be; when we stop being us and start being about the act. We go for a smoke break and the understudy comes to the stage and my god you wish you could be more like her sometimes. It’s about shining a light in the closet, pulling her out and giving her a good once over and realizing, once and for all, that you’re the same person. Let her back in and be better, fuller, more honestly YOU for it.

…it’s about your fears. It’s about thinks that scare you and facing them down. Pain is scary. Being tied up and left in the hands of someone with evil designs on you is scary. It’s about the feeling you get when you face those fears, fight em for an entire scene, and emerge on the other side. It’s about what doesn’t even go through your head when you are tied down on that table. It’s not about the knife tracing so deadly along your flesh or the hand around your throat or how many times you come close to unconsciousness. It’s not about the fire that erupts on your skin or the needles or even the unblinking staring face that is without any hint of emotion as the cock rapes you. It’s about the fact that you are doing this, you are facing this with someone that you trust and when you get passed this hands will be holding you up, helping you rise, and you will never fear these things again. Take a beating, a good hard beating followed by being tied up and fucked at knife point by someone who loves you and NO ONE will EVER be able to bullshit you again.

…it’s about trust. It’s about trusting someone enough to be able to let go completely with them. No worries, no fears, no secrets, no lies. It’s about knowing that for the length of the scene, the moment, the relationship whatever… for the length of time that you are connected you can trust this person with your life. You don’t need to hide anything from them. They are going to peel away your clothes, peel away your worries, peel away all the things that clog up your filters and keep the REAL you hidden. Sure scenes can be scary, but you can face it because underneath all the emotions layered on top of you during a scene… playing to your fear, your embarrassment, humiliation, whatever your game all of that is piled onto trust. You trust that these hands that slap you, this man that makes you sit there, naked, spreading your pussy in a room full of people for everyone to see, these hands that beat you will also caress you and also hold you and lift you. It’s about trust. Even the simplest trust of a promise… you do well girl and I will give you an orgasm that will make your eyes roll back into your head. you don’t do what I tell you and you are going to stay tied up in this scary dark place forever. It’s about trusting someone enough to feel free with them. complete and total freedom.

…it’s dirty. It’s BAD. It’s about being knocked down, and down, and stepped on while you’re down there. It’s about all pretension and fakeness being shaken off of you, old ideas and misconceptions that need to be torn from you sometimes violently. It’s about beatings and floggings and dragon tails and violet wands. It’s about pain and the endorphins pain release. It’s about going down down down as far as you can go. It’s about hitting a wall and thinking oh good jesus I can’t possibly take any more of this and then being pushed past it. then you’re stunned that you’re in this new place and a new wall comes and you cry out please fuck no anything but and you’re past that one now too. It’s about sitting on a couch, held, warm, at the end of a scene and being told exactly what happened. No love, you were on that cross for three hours. no dear, the bruises will probably show up tomorrow. I was beating on you for three hours. You cried. You begged. I told you to shut up and you did. And you know what… you survived. You are so much fucking stronger then anyone has ever given you credit for and I swear to god if you get down on yourself EVER again for being weak I will remind you of exactly what happened here tonight. Not weak. Strong. So fucking strong. I am so fucking proud of you. There are no words. Well done baby. Good fucking job.

…it’s about sex. No, really. It is. I’ve heard all the arguments against this. Hell i just wrote most of them. But let’s be honest here if in no other place, honest here if with no other people then with each other and ourselves. It’s about sex. Put your hand around a willing sub’s neck and two things happen… they drift a little, that dirty inner self comes out a bit and they get turned on. I get more of an erection from firmly holding someone by the shoulders then I do watching a good strip tease. I’ve heard the club rules and agree with them… you can’t do a rape scene without rape, sure and maybe not everyone wants to see you getting your naughty on. I get that too. But let’s not kid ourselves. You dream about being fucked while tied down. You dream about being powerless to a group of rough handed thick cocked men who make you do degrading things and use you for nothing else then there own sexual pleasure. You get wet at the thought. That’s sexual. I get hard at the idea of fucking hand cuffed girls. I get hard at the idea someone tied up on their knees in front of me. That’s sexual. Okay… maybe if it’s not about sex, how about we cut the difference and say there is certainly a sexual element to it? I can go out into public and do public scenes but nine times out of ten whoever my playmate is will be coming home with me and getting fucked six ways of Tuesday because, well frankly, I can’t think of a better reward then orgasms

…it’s about honesty. About complete honesty. Of facing one another with nothing hiding. And about accepting that. And taking that person’s hand regardless.

20Oct/12

RESPECT ~Let me Tell You What it Means To Me

Respect:
to have an attitude of esteem towards; show or have respect for to respect one’s Master
to pay proper attention to; not violate to respect the submissive’s boundaries
to show consideration for; treat courteously or kindly

As a newbie entering into the BDSM lifestyle you hear a lot about ‘consent’ and ‘intent’ and how to play safely. What we don’t seem to hear enough about is respect. Respect is one of the key values that keeps what we do as kinksters from being abusive. Without respect, there is no honor and no trust. Without respect intent becomes another pavestone in hell, and consent is meaningless.

First and foremost, you need to respect yourself. This means knowing who you are even if all you know is that you are evolving and learning. It is living true to your values even if at times it is uncomfortable to do so. It means you behave in such a way that you can get up with yourself in the morning and go to bed with yourself at night knowing you made the best choices you could. It means keeping your side of the side-walk clean.

Our communities are filled with rugged individualists who by the very acts we indulge in defy living by society’s rules. The only way we can manage to play nicely together is if there is respect for others; for each other’s kink, relationships and limits. I don’t have to enjoy your style of kink to respect you or respect your right to practice your kink as you see fit. I don’t even have to like you personally to be civil to you or to exercise good manners when interacting with you.

A few months back Gamer and I attended a play party. When we first entered the room one of the women immediately shouted out to the entire room: “Oh goodie the English guy is here! Talk to me while I masturbate!” This was so completely disrespectful that I was stunned into silence. I will agree that the Governor has a beautiful voice and his soft British accent is a joy to hear. However, how disrespectful to him to reduce him to an object! How utterly disrespectful to his companions! I completely lost respect for this woman as she had completely ignored basic courtesy to my Dom and to me.

Respect in our community is paramount and it must be mutual. If you aren’t going to respect me, then it makes it impossible for me to respect you. If there isn’t respect, there cannot be trust and without trust there cannot be a healthy relationship. Thus, if I cannot respect you I will NOT associate with you. It is that simple.
So much that plagues our community as a whole could be avoided if the concepts of respect were pounded into us with as much enthusiasm as the concept of consent. Having respect for and within our community can be defined as behaving with civility. In the well known article, ‘Civility and Incivility in the Scene’ by Chris M and Lady Medora is a wonderful quote:

“One of the most grave and inexplicable problems facing our community in general is the continued presence of downright rudeness. It takes many forms: gossip, arrogance, slander, ingratitude, interpersonal cruelty , rumor-mongering, the propensity to snub, shun or belittle, a refined Sensitivity to slight paired with strident disregard for how ones actions And words effect others. It is astonishing, and terribly sad, how poorly we get along from the viewpoint of interpersonal relationships. Why a community like ours, whose members strive for a mature outlook on power, consent and tolerance, should feud with such violence and monotonous regularity is a true mystery.”

The authors conclude that the way to fix much of what plagues our community can be resolved with greater civility i.e., respect. It really all boils down to what you learned in kindergarten. PLAY NICE! It shouldn’t be that hard.

 

 

10Oct/12

How To Stop Gossip

People love to gossip. It is simply a fact of living amongst our fellow humans. We all like to be in “the know” and gossip in our society is actually a multi-billion dollar industry.  Gossip and hearsay destroy trust. In an alternative lifestyle community where trust  and power exchange is the cornerstone of what we do, gossip can do more damage than a 13th century plague.

So, what can we do to stop gossip? Here are few suggestions.

 

  • Set the example and keep negative off-hand remarks to yourself. It doesn’t matter if you don’t name specific names, if there is enough information for people to jump to conclusions they will.
  • Keep your side of the sidewalk clean, and don’t share anything unless it involves you directly.  Even then exercise caution. Not all venting grounds are secure locations! It can take one rant to an untrustworthy person to destroy friendships.
  • Demonstrate you are worthy of trust and keep confidences and confidential information to yourself.
  • “If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind.” ~Buddha
  • Switch subjects when people start to gossip.  This not only stops the gossip machine in its tracks, but also keeps you from soaking up a lot of negativity you really don’t need.
  • When someone begins talking about somebody else in a negative way, offer to contact that person, together with the gossiper and see if you can facilitate a reconciliation. Nine times out of ten, the folks gossiping will be terrified of the idea. You see, people who talk about others depend upon a certain level of anonymity.  They like having things kept secret and in the dark. They will vehemently deny that they were ever the source of the rumor and innuendo even when confronted directly. When you offer to include them or use them as a source, they will quickly stop. Do it enough times and they will get the hint and not gossip with you or about you again!
  • Confront gossipers when necessary. If you believe people have been spreading rumors, it may be worth talking to them directly.  Being confronted will make them more aware that you are likely to investigate comments made about you and your intolerance for such behavior. Though true gossip mongers are likely to deny any wrongdoing,  it can provide an opportunity to open communication and mend fences in those cases of poor judgement or misunderstandings.
  • Counteract negative comments with positive ones.  Those who love gossip usually depend upon a constant flow of bad or embarrassing information. For some reason the gossip mongers don’t get as excited when they hear good news.
  • See the good in other people instead of focusing on the negative. When we choose to focus on the positive, then we are less likely to complain about the negative.
  • As much fun as it may appear to be connected  to the 411 gossip line, remember that as soon as you walk away from the gossip session, the gossips will be talking about you. Remember what goes around eventually comes around, so choosing not to indulge or hang with those who gossip is in your best interest.


Remember that spreading rumors and gossip speaks more about you and your character than those you choose to gossip about.  The best way to stop gossip is to simply don’t.

 

10Oct/12

The $30 Make-Up Challenge

By Jeweled Princess

 

I was challenged to complete a entire make-up look for $30.  This look would include: eye shadow, shadow primer, mascara, face primer, bronzer, face powder and blush.   I decided to go to my favorite place to buy cosmetics, Ulta. As I walked into Ulta, I thought to myself “pfft! I got this challenge in the proverbial make-up bag!”  However, my self-confidence diminished when I began pricing everything.  I wandered around the store for a good 30 minutes trying to find the best prices for the best products.

I had a couple of coupons that I had clipped from the Sunday paper but even before taxes my total was $67.44.  What a super fail!  It made me realize what a challenge it is to get a quality make-up look and still stay on budget.  Next time, I am going to re-do this challenge at Rite-Aide.

 

Wish me luck!